Afraid of men

[gracebowen]

[QUOTE=rocketsocks;2128701]Oh good lord, get over it honey![/QU

Thats what im trying to do. You obviously have no clue how bad being repeatedly abused can affect and scar poeple. Some people never get over it.

[gracebowen]

Male doctors?
Bus?
Plane?
Train?
Ski lift?

Kinda hard to avoid being near us...since we're almost 50 percent of the world's population...

If you can't stand to stand next to a male, sit next to a male or speak to a male stranger, then it is kinda to the point that you should get some professional help. Or a therapy dog...

Id probably skip the ski lift. Those others im just super aware and can easily remove myself from the situation if necessary.

Yes shelters will take some getting used to.

[Uncle Joe]

I think this is something you're going to have to get a handle on before you hike. That's not to say you have to be completely "over it" but you might need to get some cognitive therapy and gain some tools for coping with it. I think on the trail you're going to meet people and find a people your comfortable with. When you do you might confide in them of your fears and that might help them help you. It's simplistic to say your fears are irrational because for you they're not. Abuse takes it from a statistical improbability to a certainty, if only for the past. But that also makes it a certainty in your mind. Again, I suggest you talk to a professional. Once you have to tools to cope you can apply them and see them working. That is going to lead to confidence and re-assurance.

[Lone Wolf]

seriously?.............

[rocketsocks]

[QUOTE=gracebowen;2128751]

Oh good lord, get over it honey![/QU

Thats what im trying to do. You obviously have no clue how bad being repeatedly abused can affect and scar poeple. Some people never get over it.

by getting your advice from a message board, how hard are you really trying? It's been three months since you started this thread and ask for help, what have you done proactive to insure your success? Have you visited your therapist? You said you use to go and they told you you needed no more therapy? Do you currently have a therapist? I'll say it again, get this taken care of before you go on a long distance hike with a bunch of strangers...you don't want the trail name "personal space" don't put the onus on those around you, it starts with you.

[lesliedgray]

I agree with bits and pieces of most of these posts..
#1. Take self-defense classes. Not only will you increase your physical conditioning, reaction and response time, you will gain confidence in your ability to handle yourself in a potentially stressful situation.
# 2. Find another therapist. Never let someone else, who is not standing in your skin, tell you that you are "healed". That sounds like a " i'm at the end of my knowledge to help you" statement. There are wonderful counselors out there.. Find one.
#3. Join a hiking club. You will meet like-minded people and will no doubt find some hiking friends.. Trust your gut about people.
#4. Get pepper spray and carry it on your person during the hike. You may get the type that shows up florescent under lights and takes a picture of your attacker, if you wish.
#5. Go on short day hikes, followed by weekend hikes and 3 day hikes. This will help boost your confidence in your abilities and help you enjoy the hike for itself.. a walk in the woods, or rocks or whatever.. Time with Nature. Listen to the birds, wind, feel the sun.. take conscious note of these things and you will feel your tension slipping.. with each successful short hike, you increase your chances of having a successful AT hike.
#6 Do a section hike.. you may wish to go with a buddy or two. ( maybe a new friend from your hiking club?) shorten it if you want.. arrange to have some one meet you at a convenient trail stop...or, push on a bit further.. i agree to a point that you need to push yourself out of your comfort zone, but only to a point. What good is it to do something while having been a nervous wreck the whole time? That is not a positive experience. Some nervousness is to be expected, you can work through that. Learn relaxation breathing techniques, they are helpful.
Long story short, give yourself many small successes so that you will be better conditioned physically and emotionally for your next, bigger success..
Happy Hiking.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Engine]

I agree with bits and pieces of most of these posts..
#1. Take self-defense classes. Not only will you increase your physical conditioning, reaction and response time, you will gain confidence in your ability to handle yourself in a potentially stressful situation.
# 2. Find another therapist. Never let someone else, who is not standing in your skin, tell you that you are "healed". That sounds like a " i'm at the end of my knowledge to help you" statement. There are wonderful counselors out there.. Find one.
#3. Join a hiking club. You will meet like-minded people and will no doubt find some hiking friends.. Trust your gut about people.
#4. Get pepper spray and carry it on your person during the hike. You may get the type that shows up florescent under lights and takes a picture of your attacker, if you wish.
#5. Go on short day hikes, followed by weekend hikes and 3 day hikes. This will help boost your confidence in your abilities and help you enjoy the hike for itself.. a walk in the woods, or rocks or whatever.. Time with Nature. Listen to the birds, wind, feel the sun.. take conscious note of these things and you will feel your tension slipping.. with each successful short hike, you increase your chances of having a successful AT hike.
#6 Do a section hike.. you may wish to go with a buddy or two. ( maybe a new friend from your hiking club?) shorten it if you want.. arrange to have some one meet you at a convenient trail stop...or, push on a bit further.. i agree to a point that you need to push yourself out of your comfort zone, but only to a point. What good is it to do something while having been a nervous wreck the whole time? That is not a positive experience. Some nervousness is to be expected, you can work through that. Learn relaxation breathing techniques, they are helpful.
Long story short, give yourself many small successes so that you will be better conditioned physically and emotionally for your next, bigger success..
Happy Hiking.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I agree with most of this advice, especially the self defense training as it really helps with self-confidence. However, I'm not too sure about advising someone who is admittedly jumpy around a certain segment of society to carry pepper spray when they are going to be surrounded by the very type of person they have issues with. That could end badly with an overreaction to a perceived threat that never actually existed.

In any event, I would advise the OP to put this issue behind them (at least mostly) prior to attempting a thru-hike.

[Secondmouse]

guys knock it off. this isn't the place to criticize someone who is asking for help.

by the same token Grace, this probably isn't the place to come to ask for help. there is a women's section but in the General section, at best you're going to get some general well meaning advice, at worst, you'll be the main attraction of an internet dog pile.

anyway, if your fears are as profound as you say, the best advice would come from a professional...

[Water Rat]

Actually, the hiking community can probably best answer what life is actually like on the trail. Many therapists have no clue. As for posting in the women's section - Would that really make a difference? Guys seem to try to be the first ones to answer, even when a woman posts for other women to answer.

As someone who hasn't ventured out there yet, the OP was simply looking for some tips from others who may have issues like hers, or have some suggestions to offer to help her along. She was not asking any of us to solve her problems for her. The OP has not said she cannot be around any man, at any time. She has thanked us for tips and suggestions and has said she has found some suggestions to be helpful.

To those who are tired of the thread - Simply put this thread on ignore. There is no need for you to respond unless you have a helpful suggestion to offer. WB is supposed to be a place where people can get answers for their questions. The OP was soliciting tips and coping mechanisms. She was not soliciting advice in place of visiting a therapist.

To the OP - The people on the trail will not tell you to get off the trail, or "get over it." Most will respect your need for space and need to take things at your speed.

Just remember that out there, you are in control over most of the situations you put yourself in. You can say no to sharing rooms, car rides, shelters (by taking a tent), and even hiking with others. There is no need to put yourself in any situation where you feel uncomfortable. You will find safety in numbers. You will find lots of awesome guys out there who will respect your space and who will protect you from those who do not. As you have already found, there is no place that is 100% safe in this world. However, the trail is a wonderful place to go to heal.

[Secondmouse]

Actually, the hiking community can probably best answer what life is actually like on the trail. Many therapists have no clue. As for posting in the women's section - Would that really make a difference? Guys seem to try to be the first ones to answer, even when a woman posts for other women to answer.

As someone who hasn't ventured out there yet, the OP was simply looking for some tips from others who may have issues like hers, or have some suggestions to offer to help her along. She was not asking any of us to solve her problems for her. The OP has not said she cannot be around any man, at any time. She has thanked us for tips and suggestions and has said she has found some suggestions to be helpful.

To those who are tired of the thread - Simply put this thread on ignore. There is no need for you to respond unless you have a helpful suggestion to offer. WB is supposed to be a place where people can get answers for their questions. The OP was soliciting tips and coping mechanisms. She was not soliciting advice in place of visiting a therapist.

To the OP - The people on the trail will not tell you to get off the trail, or "get over it." Most will respect your need for space and need to take things at your speed.

Just remember that out there, you are in control over most of the situations you put yourself in. You can say no to sharing rooms, car rides, shelters (by taking a tent), and even hiking with others. There is no need to put yourself in any situation where you feel uncomfortable. You will find safety in numbers. You will find lots of awesome guys out there who will respect your space and who will protect you from those who do not. As you have already found, there is no place that is 100% safe in this world. However, the trail is a wonderful place to go to heal.

really? yes, I think the women's section would be much safer to ask these questions than General.

the trail is the trail. you hike. it's outdoors. you meet other people occasionally as they congregate at natural points like shelters, etc.

asking hikers how to deal with a fear rather than a professional is like asking a bunch of car nuts rather than a mechanic what's wrong with your car. you're going to get a lot of different answers based on personal experience, some of which may be somewhat helpful, some completely off the mark, and is sure to generate wide and varying comment that have no bearing on the subject.

the simplest answer to Grace is the trail is a microcosm that has its own social practices and agenda, but is not so different from society overall. if you're afraid in real life, you're going to be afraid on the trail. and don't sleep in the shelters...

[Water Rat]

really? yes, I think the women's section would be much safer to ask these questions than General.

...

asking hikers how to deal with a fear rather than a professional is like asking a bunch of car nuts rather than a mechanic what's wrong with your car. you're going to get a lot of different answers based on personal experience, some of which may be somewhat helpful, some completely off the mark, and is sure to generate wide and varying comment that have no bearing on the subject.

As a visitor to the women's section of this forum, I can tell you firsthand that the red vs green border does nothing to stop guys from commenting. There is no magic force field. Actually, if one searches this forum via "Today's Posts" it would be quite easy to wander in there and comment without realizing one was in the women's forum.

However, I don't think the OP was limiting her audience. I think she was soliciting additional tips and real-life experience from those who might have dealt with the same fears, or have a female in their life who may have had similar issues. For her to have the courage to post about her fears, tells me that she has been working to deal with her fears...and has been making progress. Women are outnumbered on the trail, but we are way outnumbered when it comes to outdoor forums.

I agree that if one asks a question, one will definitely receive all sorts of answers on the internet! Especially on White Blaze. My take is that the OP was not coming here for advice as to what was wrong with her and how to deal with her problems. She was simply asking for additional tips, and tools that might aide in helping her to adjust to life on the trail. A therapist can help diagnose and offer tips as to how to deal with things, but maybe the OP felt that additional tips and ideas from those who have been on the trail (and have had real-world experience with that lifestyle), might also be beneficial? Obviously if her therapist has never backpacked, they will be unable to give the OP a better idea of what life is actually like on the trail, or offer suggestions as to how one might handle themselves in particular trail situations. If the OP asks her therapist "what should I say if a guy wanders up and wants to know how far I am hiking," the therapist might not be able to give her the tool of telling her she has the option to say she is meeting up with her friends/hubby in just a little bit. That is where asking for help from the hiking community can come in handy.

I never got the impression the OP came here for all the answers, or help in place of seeing an actual therapist. My impression is that she came here to gain more insight and get advice as to how she might be able to handle particular situations that may arise. From her initial post, I got the impression that she had a broad idea of what life was like on the trail, but just wanted to feel-out potential situations (like, what should she do about sharing a room) before she found herself stuck in the middle of an unwanted situation. I get the feeling she stopped by this forum more for reassurance that the boogeyman does not lurk behind every tree, rather than advice on how to solve her problem.

Personally, I find it encouraging she felt strong enough to pose her question of everyone on the forum. I also think she received a lot of great suggestions. I think that once she gets out there she will discover there are many awesome people on the trail. It's just a matter of taking that first step.

[illabelle]

....I agree that if one asks a question, one will definitely receive all sorts of answers on the internet! Especially on White Blaze. My take is that the OP was not coming here for advice as to what was wrong with her and how to deal with her problems. She was simply asking for additional tips, and tools that might aide in helping her to adjust to life on the trail. A therapist can help diagnose and offer tips as to how to deal with things, but maybe the OP felt that additional tips and ideas from those who have been on the trail (and have had real-world experience with that lifestyle), might also be beneficial? Obviously if her therapist has never backpacked, they will be unable to give the OP a better idea of what life is actually like on the trail, or offer suggestions as to how one might handle themselves in particular trail situations. If the OP asks her therapist "what should I say if a guy wanders up and wants to know how far I am hiking," the therapist might not be able to give her the tool of telling her she has the option to say she is meeting up with her friends/hubby in just a little bit. That is where asking for help from the hiking community can come in handy.

I never got the impression the OP came here for all the answers, or help in place of seeing an actual therapist. My impression is that she came here to gain more insight and get advice as to how she might be able to handle particular situations that may arise. From her initial post, I got the impression that she had a broad idea of what life was like on the trail, but just wanted to feel-out potential situations (like, what should she do about sharing a room) before she found herself stuck in the middle of an unwanted situation. I get the feeling she stopped by this forum more for reassurance that the boogeyman does not lurk behind every tree, rather than advice on how to solve her problem.

Personally, I find it encouraging she felt strong enough to pose her question of everyone on the forum. I also think she received a lot of great suggestions. I think that once she gets out there she will discover there are many awesome people on the trail. It's just a matter of taking that first step.

Well said, Water Rat!

[-Rush-]

I think this is one of the benefits of the trail. You'll get out there and recover some faith in humanity, and you'll likely be able to allay some of your fears. It's REAL EASY to spot the people that do not belong out there, and I think you'll find the community is all about taking care of and looking out for each other on the trail and in town. As a man of integrity and honor, the wedding ring would stop me dead in my tracks. However, there are those it wouldn't stop, and that's a huge red flag, so wearing the ring may give you a heightened awareness of a problem person before they actually become a problem. Happy Trails!

[gracebowen]

Water Rat thats it exactly. Very well put. I posted in general to get advice and opinions from everyone.

I will take what I think will help me and ignore the rest. I just might wear a wedding ring.

[rocketsocks]

Water Rat thats it exactly. Very well put. I posted in general to get advice and opinions from everyone.

I will take what I think will help me and ignore the rest. I just might wear a wedding ring.

are you serious? What's wrong with the direct approach? Yo dude, not interested.

[ScareBear]

are you serious? What's wrong with the direct approach? Yo dude, not interested.

She has a panic attack....or just gets overly anxious standing next to men...she just has to move away and be alone. Or find a female hiking partner....or a doberman....

[gracebowen]

She has a panic attack....or just gets overly anxious standing next to men...she just has to move away and be alone. Or find a female hiking partner....or a doberman....

Assumes facts not in evidence.

[ScareBear]

Assumes facts not in evidence.

You said

" Just dont touch me or stand too close. "

"Id probably skip the ski lift. Those others im just super aware and can easily remove myself from the situation if necessary. "

So, ummmm, what facts did you not put into evidence?


" Just dont touch me or stand too close. "

"Id probably skip the ski lift. Those others im just super aware and can easily remove myself from the situation if necessary. "

"I have an irrational level of fear for men. "

"Its been about 20 years since the last incident and yet I still have issues."

SNIP INCREDIBLY SNARKY COMMENTS(yeah, I self-edited...)...

Good luck to ya. Hope ya find the help ya seem to need...

[rocketsocks]

She has a panic attack....or just gets overly anxious standing next to men...she just has to move away and be alone. Or find a female hiking partner....or a doberman....

ah got cha, musta missed that.

[MuddyWaters]

How do you deal with it every day?

Because its exactly the same.

Being in the woods doesnt change anything, except in your head.

The way I see it, you made up your mind a long time ago to live in fear
By doing so...you are throwing your life away.

It doesnt matter a hoot if you die tomorrow, today, or 40 years from now
It doesnt matter what anyone did to you in the past, or will do in the future either
Nor does it matter if you die in a car wreck, are murdered by inbred drunken hillbilly, or die of old age

What matters is what you do while you have the chance.
Because none of that other stuff is in your control.