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Thread: Afraid of men

  1. #1
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    Default Afraid of men

    Ok so the title says alot. I have an irrational level of fear for men. I have had far more negative experiences with men than positive ones. Including the kinds if incidents that land men in jail.

    I am mature enough also to realize that most of my fear is possibly irrational.

    Kinda like the example of someone getting bit by a dog so now they are afraid of dogs. Or people that have negative expierences with cops hate/mistrust cops. I don't hate men.

    In many ways I am doing better but I still have issues. Rationality says when I hike if a man wants to split a hotel he just wants to save money. Fear says yeah but what if.

    I also have common sense. If Im being pink blazed and he keeps making suggestive remarks uh no we cant share a room.

    From what I understand I will be outnumbered on the trail.

    Also many men say its easier to hitch with a woman. Speaking if hitching getting in a car where I am the only female would worry me period.

    Pary of the reason I want to hike is to restore my faith in people.

    So my question is do y'all have any tips for me? Words of wisdom? Coping mechanisms?
    Again please realize I know that I will be fairly safe out there and not every man I encounter wants to hurt me probably none but I cant help the fear.

    Its been about 20 years since the last incident and yet I still have issues. Please be nice. Guys I am not trying to offend you.

  2. #2
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    I brought up hitchhiking to point out that I know men have difficulties because of not being trusted by women. I know the trust issue affects men too.

  3. #3

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    A couple of things that might help. One, carry pepper spray, and especially bear spray....kinda dual purpose...but will give you some peace of mind that you have a way to protect yourself. Two, take some self-defense classes and learn as much as you can about what it takes to protect yourself. Three, have you received help from a psychiatrist to work through these issues?

  4. #4
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    Have you seen a therapist? Because this sounds like something that should probably be addressed by a professional and not a lot of dudes on the internet (I am not a dude, but 90% of the responses will be from dudes).

    I do a lot of section hiking alone and I've had the good fortune to fall in with some really stellar guys (and girls) during my hikes. I've also fallen in with some not so stellar guys, and frankly, I just don't know what to tell you. A lot of these situations are going to depend on how you handle them, so you're going to have to have a lot of faith in your abilities to stand up for yourself and take a risk in saying no, because in my experience, you don't always know you're in a weird situation until it's happening, and then as we all know, saying no at that point is risky.

    If *you* think you're ready for that, then hike. If you don't, then seek counseling outside the Internet. Seriously. I love the Internet but it is not great for serious issues like this. I know what it's like to have that sense of panic, even just a little, and I wouldn't want to be plagued by that on the trail.

    For words of comfort: you will be outnumbered, but you won't be alone. Hike with women. Hike with gay men, if that helps (I'm assuming by your name that you're a woman).

    You prepare your gear for the trail, you (maybe) prepare physically for the trail, and in this case I would encourage you to prepare mentally by seeking professional help. Not just for the trail but for the rest of your life, too.

    I wish you all the best, and hope that your hike is everything you want it to be.


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  5. #5
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    Being a female here I can understand your fears and concerns of hiking the trail and many men out there. I take self-defence classes now and for the past 5 years and i can say it has given me more self-confidence in things I never thought before I could do let alone strive to be able to. The issues in the past of men may always stay with you and it is good to keep those in the back of your mind but try not to let them overwhelm you and prevent you from living and reaching your goals in life. I would suggest therapy if you haven't already done that .... and take self-defence classes. To know you have the ability to defend yourself is so powerful for a woman.

    I wont lie I can see me as excited as all get out to face the AT trailhead in Georgia in a few years and hoping my daughter will join me but at first until I got my trail legs and bearings will be a bit nervous and skeptical of those around me, not of just men but everyone out there. I do believe there's s good in all out there but there are always those few. Always be safe and as I have been told in my classes " don't allow yourself to become a victim!" avoid those situations. I hope that helps you some. and as always GOOD LUCK with everything !

  6. #6
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    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by la.lindsey View Post
    Have you seen a therapist? Because this sounds like something that should probably be addressed by a professional and not a lot of dudes on the internet (I am not a dude, but 90% of the responses will be from dudes).
    As a dude on the internet, and also the father of a mid-twenties daughter, I would agree with this 100%.
    Ken B
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    Our Long Trail journal

  7. #7

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    Are you planning a thru hike or are you speaking of hiking in general? The reason I ask is that if you're doing a thru, particularly a NOBO in the bubble, you'll be surrounded by lots of people and you'll get to know who you can trust in your "hiker family" and who might be suspect. If you're hiking solo on more remote trails especially out of season I'd say you're going to be on high alert every time you come in contact with a male.

    There was a discussion I think in the women's section here on WB titled " how do you spot a creeper?" Or something like that. A read through that might give you some help.

  8. #8
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    You stated you have "an irrational fear of men" due to incidences in your past. And as a woman I tried to put myself in your shoes but can't as there are really no serious incidences in my past though a few creepy moments and maybe a little worse.

    Normally I would encourage a woman, and anyone really, to trust their instincts. I once read a great book called The Gift of Fear by Gavin Debecker. It is a series of true stories of women who had been attacked and ignored their fear when they first encountered the man. In every story they KNEW there was something wrong with the situation but they ignored their instincts. We are basically taught as women to ignore our fear. That it's irrational. That if someone is trying to help you carry your groceries and you refuse, you're a bitch. I know a man whose sister was killed by Manson who used the ruse of having a broken arm to ask for help loading his groceries into his car and then while she was helping him he knocked her out and then killed her eventually. The attack and kidnapping happened in broad daylight in a grocery store parking lot. (Not to cause you more fears). So listening to your fears can save your life. Or they can cripple you.

    I don't know to what level your fear actually extends. There really are some creepy dudes out there. Some of them don't realize they are creepy and have no serious intent to harm women but many do. And you should not have to put up with feeling uncomfortable in order to accomplish/attempt something you want to do. But it really is a level of how uncomfortable you are around men. Personally I would never share a hotel room with a man I didn't know from before the trail, no matter how well we were getting along.

    I do know that guys can "attempt to help" women on the trail and really become overbearing while they think they are being helpful. They seem to forget that we are independent beings and just as capable as the average male hiker, no more or less likely to fail or succeed without their "help." And yeah, sometimes that comes off as creepy too and can set off the alarms.

    I don't know what to tell you. Should you stay or should you go? Only you can know if you are ready to attempt it, and I don't think the distance is your biggest obstacle.
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    A vigorous five-mile walk will do more good for an unhappy but otherwise healthy adult than all the medicine and psychology in the world. ~Paul Dudley White

  9. #9

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    I think you have a highly skewed view of the world that is incorrect, created by something in your past.

    You should seek help.

    Most men would put themselves in harms way to help or protect you, even if they dont know you.

    Unless your just a real arsehole

    Its difficult to have more negative interactions with people than positive by chance alone. Even in a prison.
    Last edited by MuddyWaters; 11-23-2016 at 22:24.

  10. #10
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    Default

    You have a lot on your plate. It takes time to get to a place of balance with and distance from any fear or nagging concern. And you can't put that healing and growing process on a timeline or schedule. Of all the advice above, I recommend finding another hiking companion as the best alternative. Start hiking with a companion before you are at 100% of balance and equanimity about these concerns. You might find that you are never 100% ready to go solo. Or sola!

    This past summer I hiked a section of the AT--Shenandoah NP--with my sister. We had a better hike because we could figure out feelings about choices simply by talking with each other. And moreover, she saw things coming at us while I still didn't even have a clue. Like breaking camp and me starting off in the wrong direction! She figured that out immediately. I could have gone on for a mile or two before catching on. Yes, I am 71 and my sister is younger, stronger, and in better shape. Hiking with her made the whole thing possible. And months earlier I thought I would be just fine doing it solo.

    I think you would like to hike with a companion you can trust. Going solo for days on end can be a little hard for some folks. Perhaps you are not one of them. I thought I was not one of them--until being on the AT for 3 weeks.

    May the AT be a blessing for you!

  11. #11
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    I think a option to help you get on the trail for the experience of a lifetime could be to go to the meet up sight and try to find someone willing to start the hike with you. Talk to them on the phone and maybe meet them personally ahead of time. Good luck. I hope you get to experience your dream

  12. #12

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    Get straightend out before you do a long hike, you'll have a better time.

  13. #13
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    There is basically no chance you will encounter a homocidal maniac on the trail. However, you will likely encounter d-bags with their mansplaining and know-it-all-isms (here and on the trail). But God love them. They're harmless.

  14. #14
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    If you still have issues, pursue therapy first. It will be more enlightening to you than your hike.

  15. #15

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    I'm a guy, and can only share anecdotes of my spring hike that you might find helpful.

    I'm not the most sociable person in the world. As I started off, I didn't know anyone. Then I bumped into a few people hiking more or less the same speed, repeatedly just exchanging Hellos initially, and started talking with them, maybe about gear, where the next water source was, all those little trail things you have in common, and sometimes you got to know the person a bit better. For me, it was the perfect way to very gradually socialize, as I'm not one to rush in and be your best friend within minutes kind of guy.

    I ended up hiking with a really nice older gentleman, who was far nicer and sociable than I was. We ended up befriending a young lady who had spent her entire hike absolutely solo, talking to no one before she talked to us. Later, at the top of a long climbing day, there was an even steeper ridge that I was absolutely loving with the views, and the technical challenge, and I was fairly giddy. I chatted with a grumpy looking woman who caught up with me, and she walked away seemingly in a better mood. I never saw her again, but I like to think I improved her hike that day. I thought that was one of the great things about the trail, in that there were certain people I was glad that I met and felt like I might have impacted positively.

    There were far more people who I met that impacted me positively. I was whining in town about the horrible nights sleep I got, and the guy I was whining to, just refused to join me in my negativity, he ended up cheering me up. A lot of people really made an effort to include everyone in the area in the conversation. There wasn't all that much cliquishness that you'd expect between people of different ages. It was nice to see.

    Overall, people really seemed to look out for each other, no matter the age, the sex, the trail experience. Just great people overall. In fairness, I did meet one guy who I thought was kind of a creep, but that one one out of hundreds.

  16. #16

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    Oddly enough, I have the same concern about bears who look at me like they will be sharing my tent. And I'd never split a hotel room with a bear no matter how cute he was. I'm hoping that facing some fears on the trail will not be as uncomfortable as never having done so. We'll see.

  17. #17
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    I think until you have processed whatever bad stuff has happened in your past, hiking "to restore your faith in people" is not such a great idea. As long as your fears are excessive or irrational, the issues that are causing these fears won't be resolved by hiking the AT on a thru-hike. Some here have suggested getting some help. It seems like you've been a victim to violence by men on more than one occasion and that can cause PTSD. If you haven't worked through your PTSD, the AT may not be the ideal place to try and do so. But, whatever you do, just hike your own hike. Do it for you and don't let anyone get in your way of getting it done. Including yourself. Just sayin...

  18. #18

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    Quote Originally Posted by ScareBear View Post
    I think until you have processed whatever bad stuff has happened in your past, hiking "to restore your faith in people" is not such a great idea. As long as your fears are excessive or irrational, the issues that are causing these fears won't be resolved by hiking the AT on a thru-hike. Some here have suggested getting some help. It seems like you've been a victim to violence by men on more than one occasion and that can cause PTSD. If you haven't worked through your PTSD, the AT may not be the ideal place to try and do so. But, whatever you do, just hike your own hike. Do it for you and don't let anyone get in your way of getting it done. Including yourself. Just sayin...
    I hiked for a few days with a guy who stated he was hiking to walk away his PTSD from the war, and that he didn't want to talk about the war. So, he then proceeded to talk non stop about the war, despite every effort of mine to change the subject.

  19. #19
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    I think you have the right attitude toward this I think challenging yourself on a hike sounds like a great experience.

    To help me manage my fears, I would take a trusted friend.

    If you don't have a trusted friend that is interested in backpacking, maybe working on developing some hiking friendships on shorter hikes with less commitment would be helpful.
    I'm not lost. I'm exploring.

  20. #20

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    Quote Originally Posted by FreeGoldRush View Post
    Oddly enough, I have the same concern about bears who look at me like they will be sharing my tent. And I'd never split a hotel room with a bear no matter how cute he was. I'm hoping that facing some fears on the trail will not be as uncomfortable as never having done so. We'll see.
    Another parallel with bears is sometimes a chance encounter with an ornery bear results in a fake charge (so I've heard). And the absolutely worst thing to do is run, like you're prey, cause that will engage the bear's preditory instinct and end up attacked (so I've heard).

    Yes, there will be predatory people out there, but the best defense is situational awareness. You're not going to find self confidence on the trail, so cross that bridge first. Focus on your confidence, take multiple day hikes with a trusted friend or three, then maybe a few overnight trips with friends and maybe work up to a day trip where you're ahead of your friend by a few hundred feet.

    Everyone has different trail experiences, I enjoy solitude, some enjoy a loosely knit trail family, some travel in packs (usually 3-6), so chances are you can tag along with a mixed bag of hikers and ensure not to 'find yourself in a risky situation' quite as easily as going solo.

    But as stated earlier, there's enough psychological stresses that can bring your hike to an end, it would be best to do whatever you need to do to start with a blank slate and stay on a positive track.

    Hope to see you out there when you're ready.

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