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  1. #1
    Registered User dudeijuststarted's Avatar
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    Default Relationships after a Thru Hike

    For those that have thru-hiked or LASH'd, did your relationship with your partner change? Did your future dating life change? If so, how?

  2. #2

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    On my second thruhike I met the man who became my husband, so yes, my dating changed. We hiked 2/3 of the trail together and then I moved east 6 months after the hike to be with him.

    What I have observed about existing relationships is that if there are cracks in a marriage/relationship before the hike, then separation will often make them much worse. A lot of hikers end up breaking up with spouses and partners. If there is infidelity on either side, as happens often, that may hasten the breakup. A really solid marriage can weather a thruhike better, but there will be some changes because the hiker changes as a result of the hike and the person left behind will have changes as well.

  3. #3

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    Are you asking about relationships that existed BEFORE the hike? or relationships that formed DURING the hike?

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    Registered User Koozy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by dcdennis View Post
    Are you asking about relationships that existed BEFORE the hike? or relationships that formed DURING the hike?
    I agree with the first response to your post. Cracks become crevasses, and no, (in general) absence does not make the heart grow fonder during a thru hike. Thru hiking is essentially a selfish goal, so in my case it made my (ex)wife resent me. I was with my ex for 5 years before my thru hike, got engaged on the AT 2 years before my hike, and married 3 months prior to my thru hike. Over time, her resentment brought on rationalization to cheat (although there were some pretty serious red flag I overlooked in hindsight; ie, mommy-daddy problems). We were legally divorced within about a year after my hike.

    As for others I encountered, there were several instances of similar situations. A close friend of mine on the trail went through a divorce right after his hike, but I believe serious issues existed before he started hiking (I think they married before they both knew what they wanted out of life).

    Another friend returned home to his gf dating someone else.

    Even a few couples that I met whom hiked the entire trail together since split or divorced.

    But there was also the opposite side of the spectrum. There were couples that met on the trail and later married. Or a couple that hiked the entire trail together, got engaged at Katahdin, then went on to get married and go on more long distance adventures.

    A thru hike makes you a completely different person, no matter the age. Your needs and wants in life change, as does your thought process and understanding of yourself and others. People looking from the outside in have a very hard time grasping that, and is partially why thru hikers share a common life bond, even if hiked during different years, because they can understand the struggle and self evolution from the experience of it (not to get too existential). I went into my hike just looking for adventure and wanting to live out a dream I had since I was 5 years old, with no question about where I was in life. I was exactly where I wanted to be; owned a home with my newlywed wife and had a great job that allowed me a LOA...I was happy. I came back with so many questions I never anticipated, unsure if I was still happy...and within a year after I moved out of the house my ex and I bought together, experienced depression, went through divorce, and quit my job. But in time I learned that I was not happy where I previously was in life, that what I really needed wasn't what I had, and that I was only trying to hold onto the past because that was the happy I knew. Hindsight is 20/20. I'm now happier than ever and would never turn back.

    All that said, I think that it takes 2 people that really know who they are and have a clear vision of what they want out of life together to sustain a thru hike. I think that it has a heavier impact on younger people who are still being molded and have room to grow, and older people already have a better grasp of what they're looking for in life before they hike. So the level of impact to a relationship can vary depending on many factors. Of course I am speaking from one side of the looking glass, so I am not discounting other people's points of view.
    Frankenstein - 2014 GAME
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  5. #5

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    I'd imagine it depends entirely on the individuals, and their relationships.

    For me, it helped me get dates initially, when my online profile pics showed me in scenic vistas.

    People I met on the trail, without getting into their life stories, just had wildly varying experiences. From leaving to hike in the middle of a messy custody battle, to hiking the trail a second time after his wife kicked him out for hiking the first time, to returning home to a wife who really missed him, and cancelling plans for the next long section hike.

  6. #6
    Registered User dudeijuststarted's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by dcdennis View Post
    Are you asking about relationships that existed BEFORE the hike? or relationships that formed DURING the hike?
    relationships that existed before the hike

  7. #7

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    We have a relationship to Miss Nature and we have our human relationship(s). Both are equally important. Individual and personal human loneliness dictates how much value we put on our human relationships. Otherwise it's Miss Nature 24/7. This is the main overview to the OP's question.

    The details are different for every relationship, esp spousal. When I met my partner Little Mitten back in 2001 I lived in a NC ridgetop Tipi for 21 years and so we had long conversations on different scenarios to get her moved into the Tipi etc. Knowing her family to be more important to her than a tipi, we reached a compromise---She won't have to move to my lodge and we can still be together but I will spend long periods of time outdoors on solo backpacking trips. It helps that we are both loners at heart---and happy to be alone. And we trust each other.

    "Keeping tabs" on a girlfriend/boyfriend while you're out backpacking for weeks or months can be a miserable failure, i.e. when you get back they are gone to greener pastures or new relationships. Then the question becomes, "what's more important, the outdoors or these relationships?" For me it always was the outdoor life of course.

  8. #8
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    I was in the US Navy for 38 years and went on 14 long deployments of 6 months or more. After 3 ex-wives and a dozen failed relationships I gave up. You get the same relationship you left behind...if she is still around.

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    Registered User Crossup's Avatar
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    I just did my first real hike, a week on the AT a couple months ago and after 7 years of a late in life marriage, we were not exactly struggling but neither of us were as happy as we thought we should be.
    At the time of my departure I was "instructed" to think long and hard on the situation. In truth the hike occupied my thoughts to the point I never properly concentrated on our relationship. I did spend enough time to realized a few things, and during my nightly check in, I told the truth that I was finding it hard to dwell on our issues.
    My wife however had a few epiphanies and by the time she picked me us, the vibe was quite different and positive. The hike(and absence from dreaded chores and dog care duties) improved my demeanor to infectious levels so absence DID work in our favor in this case.

    Since then we have been doing noticeably better and I believe she picked up on my post hike vibe(I'm a happy guy who does not dwell on "bumps" in a relationship. She labels me Jeckyl and Hyde because I will vent my attitude then go right back to peaches and cream) and for the first time it seems my(even more so after the hike) calm and lets move on attitude started to rub off on her. While what I've said so far comes across as the issues being on her side, its more like she made the adjustments to work with my behavior which is not always the best behavior.

    She even admits now she would be up for giving LD hiking a try herself which is a herculean admission because why she truly loves the outdoors, it does not return the love- insects and heat always tests her mettle and the way she endures is part of the reason I love her. I think one of the hardest things to cultivate in a relationship is "skin" tough enough to slide over the rough spots and thin enough so the love can shine thru.

  10. #10
    Garlic
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    My wife and I started hiking long distances together after we got married. Thru hikes are an integral part of our 35 year marriage. The minimalist hiking lifestyle led directly to early retirement, which allowed even more time for long hikes (and bike tours).

  11. #11
    Registered User dudeijuststarted's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by garlic08 View Post
    My wife and I started hiking long distances together after we got married. Thru hikes are an integral part of our 35 year marriage. The minimalist hiking lifestyle led directly to early retirement, which allowed even more time for long hikes (and bike tours).
    I'm thinking this is the way to go. After I got back from the trail, I realized just how attracted I am/was to women who are attracted to my money. It's definitely got to do alot with where I live, so its nice to see so many meeting their like-minded partners out on the trail. Gonna give that a shot!

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    Quote Originally Posted by garlic08 View Post
    My wife and I started hiking long distances together after we got married. Thru hikes are an integral part of our 35 year marriage. The minimalist hiking lifestyle led directly to early retirement, which allowed even more time for long hikes (and bike tours).
    Wow, this is me, except for the part where wife joins in EPIC hike. But she is more than willing to send out resupply boxes and is an absolute saint for putting up with me.
    enemy of unnecessary but innovative trail invention gadgetry

  13. #13

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    Quote Originally Posted by dudeijuststarted View Post
    For those that have thru-hiked or LASH'd, did your relationship with your partner change? Did your future dating life change? If so, how?
    First actual really LD thru hike(the AT, I'm pretty much a LD/Thru hiker) was partly done to bring emotional closure to final separation from a 5 yr long relationship with a fiance. Marriage was at stake.

    As so many LD hikes were completed dating has definitely changed. I no longer view succcess in life as needing 2.2 children, a white picket fence, 2 SUV's or a $60k pick up, owning businesses, or requiring marriage. I'm much more chooser than ever who I date and whom I allow to become attached. If she's not an adventure junkie, into clean eating, being a mimimalist, into frugal traveling, and doesnt crave sunsets, sunrises, sleeping on ledges, and having comfort zones continually expanded more than what color draperies match the furniture or how much my 401k is worth I might appreciate other characteristics but she's not whom I'm letting myself become attached.

    To each their own in defining and hopefully realizing their dreams

    Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk

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    Registered User lonehiker's Avatar
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    My wife and I have a perfect relationship. As the weather starts to warm she repeatedly asks me if it is hiking season yet... We were married in Vegas in mid-April (2014) and 4 days later she was dropping me off at the Mexican border for a longish hike (appx 450 miles). Life is good. But, about a decade before that we started dating and 2 weeks later I was in Afghanistan for a year... We, I think, are as happy today as when we first met. Life is good.
    Lonehiker (MRT '22)

  15. #15
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    Thumbs up When this question (more or less) was asked six years ago

    This was my response:

    https://www.whiteblaze.net/forum/sho...t=#post1133412

    I should also mention that a significant other can assist with a long-term hike, and it can result in a VERY romantic time!

    https://www.whiteblaze.net/forum/sho...ht=#post961344

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