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  1. #1
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    Default Coming In 2020 - HARD RANGER

    "Step into a world of mystery and intrigue. Based on a true story, "Hard Ranger" takes you on a journey along the Appalachian National Scenic Trail, battling the likes of miscreant hikers, lousy Boy Scout leaders, Ivy League feminists, guarded feelings, and over-mothered ghost tour guides.

    Turn down the lights, dial up a pie, and wrap yourself in your favorite blanket.

    Our journey begins at the home of Hard Ranger in Caledonia State Park, just shy of the halfway-mark on the fabled Appalachian Trail.

    Can you solve the mysteries of "HARD RANGER????"

    Enjoy a few excerpts below:

    *************

    Chapter 2 - Gail

    Hard stood by the front desk of Caledonia State Park's Ranger Station, staring, as usual, into the nothingness of time and space.
    "Hard, something wrong?" Gail asked. She had been through alot with Hard since joining the force nearly eleven years ago.
    Hard pointed through the window to a steep, rocky northbound stretch of trail in the distance.
    "Oh, Hard! Not Crucible?! Please tell me that's not where you're going!"
    Hard continued to point and stare.
    "Hard, umm, there's some kids at the swimming pool making racket and smoking cigarettes. Couldn't you just go deal with that situation today and sleep on this?"
    Hard continued to point and stare.
    "Well, if you're gonna go, please take this."
    Gail reached under the counter with her fragile, feminine arms and pulled out a Sawyer water filter and plastic Nalgene drinking bottle.
    "Hard, I'd feel much better if you took this. It filters out viruses and bacteria from dirty water sourc..."

    Thwack!!!

    The filter and bottle hit the linoleum floor and careened into the side of the copy machine. Hard had knocked them out of Gail's hands before she could say her piece, only to turn slowly and mechanically to walk out the front door.

    Gail cried, and it wasn't the first time today.


    Chapter 6 – Scout Trouble


    The terrain eased considerably after summiting Crucible. Hard hiked, hard, on the Appalachian Trail northbound toward Quarry Gap shelter.

    “Hey mister!” a voice beckoned from just up ahead, “I sure could use a hand here.” A rough-trodden teenager wearing a khaki-colored shirt and pants was struggling to dislodge a sack of some sort from a tree.

    Hard approached and stopped a few feet short of the frustrated young man. He stared emotionless until the kid stopped struggling and began to flounder.

    “I kn..knnn.know mister, but I didn’t do it, I swear. Tim hung this bear bag up like this. He’s our scout master. He went up ahead with the rest of my pack to Quarry Gap shelter, and left me to get this food bag down or else we can’t eat tonight.”

    Hard continued to stare. The boy continued.

    “I don’t think he knows what he’s doing. We left last night from Caledonia State Park and he made us carry all of his stuff up that crazy Crucible because he said his knee hurt. When we got to the top he said he couldn’t go any further and made us all camp on the side of the trail, trampling all the nice plants and stuff.”

    Hard's blood began to boil.

    “Heck I even had to sleep on the ground because he didn’t bring a tent. He said I needed to give him mine or I’d never make Eagle scout. I don’t think Tim’s ever been a pigeon scout let alone an Eagle scout. Anywayyys, sir, if you could help me with this food bag I’d sure appreciate it.””

    Hard took a step forward, and the tree gave up the fight before it started, surrendering the food sack to the ground.

    “Jeepers mister! That was the craziest thing I’ve ever saw. How’d you do that?! I’ve been struggling with that bag all morning!”

    No response from Hard. He rushed past the young scout, stampeding to Quarry Gap shelter. Within minutes he arrived.

    **************
    Last edited by hardranger; 11-18-2019 at 12:24.

  2. #2
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    I was half expecting to see something pornographic.........

  3. #3

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    I'm not sure it wasn't.

  4. #4
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    Quote Originally Posted by George View Post
    I was half expecting to see something pornographic.........
    Quote Originally Posted by Traveler View Post
    I'm not sure it wasn't.
    Rule 34 applies.
    Last edited by 4eyedbuzzard; 11-17-2019 at 10:00.

  5. #5

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    Learn something new every day!

  6. #6
    Registered User cneill13's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by George View Post
    I was half expecting to see something pornographic.........
    Hard Ranger? It does sound like the title of a really back porn flick.

  7. #7

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    Quote Originally Posted by cneill13 View Post
    Hard Ranger? It does sound like the title of a really back porn flick.
    Or a movie about Dewey Cox joining the Army.

  8. #8
    John B's Avatar
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    Someone who puts "ivy-league [SIC] feminists" in the phrase as "miscreant hikers and lousy boy scout[SIC] pack leaders" tells me all I need to know about the author.
    I'll pass.

  9. #9

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    Quote Originally Posted by John B View Post
    Someone who puts "ivy-league [SIC] feminists" in the phrase as "miscreant hikers and lousy boy scout[SIC] pack leaders" tells me all I need to know about the author.
    I'll pass.
    I see it more like gonzo journalism---like he's trying to be Hunter Thompson or Tom Wolfe.

    It's better than the usual AT trail journals and books: Example like this---"Me and Food Bolus reached Old Orchard trail shelter and camped with Horse Spur, Flatulence and Rectum. We had a great time around the campfire. Tomorrow we want to reach Partnership shelter and get pizzas if we can pull the 35 miles in one day. Afterwards we'll cross Highway 16 and plan on another 30 mile day. Last week we did 20 mile days. Overall our goal is 25 miles per day."

    YAWN. So incredibly boring. As Gunnery Sgt Tom Highway says in Heartbreak Ridge---"You can run me, you can starve me and you can beat me and you can kill me. Just don't bore me."

  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Tipi Walter View Post
    It's better than the usual AT trail journals and books: Example like this---"Me and Food Bolus reached Old Orchard trail shelter and camped with Horse Spur, Flatulence and Rectum. We had a great time around the campfire. Tomorrow we want to reach Partnership shelter and get pizzas if we can pull the 35 miles in one day. Afterwards we'll cross Highway 16 and plan on another 30 mile day. Last week we did 20 mile days. Overall all goal is 25 miles per day."
    I don't read that s***, either.

  11. #11

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    I didn’t read past this...

    This guy ain’t no superhero or role model and this sure isn’t the stuff I read when wrapped in a cozy blanket, sitting in front of a fire.

    “Thwack!!!

    The filter and bottle hit the linoleum floor and careened into the side of the copy machine. Hard had knocked them out of Gail's hands before she could say her piece, only to turn slowly and mechanically to walk out the front door.

    Gail cried, and it wasn't the first time today.”
    Last edited by Traffic Jam; 11-18-2019 at 14:34.

  12. #12
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    Default Coming In 2020 - HARD RANGER

    The misogyny is boring. What's the beef with ghost tour guides?
    You can walk in another person's shoes, but only with your feet

  13. #13
    John B's Avatar
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    It's cute to see that "hardranger" corrected the misspellings in his original post to reflect the SICs that I pointed out. That said, placing "Ivy League feminists" in with miscreants and "lousy Boy Scout leaders" still tells me more than I need to know of the author. Best of luck to him, though -- sales could sore into the dozens.

  14. #14
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    Here is my review:
    This looks and sounds stupid as hell. Thanks for trying though!

  15. #15
    Registered User Christoph's Avatar
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    I don't think I'll be rushing out to buy this one either.
    - Trail name: Thumper

  16. #16
    Registered User Elaikases's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Traffic Jam View Post
    I didn’t read past this...

    This guy ain’t no superhero or role model and this sure isn’t the stuff I read when wrapped in a cozy blanket, sitting in front of a fire.

    “Thwack!!!

    The filter and bottle hit the linoleum floor and careened into the side of the copy machine. Hard had knocked them out of Gail's hands before she could say her piece, only to turn slowly and mechanically to walk out the front door.

    Gail cried, and it wasn't the first time today.”

    At this his point I found myself hoping for bad things to happen to HR and no interest in his story at all.

    Quit reading.

  17. #17

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    This just in....

    API - Yellowstone National Park. In an early morning press release, NPS Superintendent Harvey Milner announced the identification a man found near death on a Park trail clad only in a turquoise body thong with matching day pack. The man, identified as Hugh Gotabikiden but commonly known as "Hard Ranger", was found near death early Wednesday by a group of Boy Scouts who had taken a wrong turn at a trail intersection due to poor leadership. Their cries for help brought two Medical Doctors who were passing by to the site where efforts to revive the man failed. Drs. Amelia Ferguson and Phyllis Goodwin, on sabbatical from Yale University to create a post graduate course in Feminist Enterprise, were unable to assist the man. "We weren't sure what it was at first. We poked him with a stick and realized it wasn't a mannequin dressed oddly, Phyllis even tried remote CPR by stomping on the man's chest while blowing at him, but it just didn't work out", explained Ferguson.

    Hard Ranger was known by Park officials due to his penchant of loitering in outhouses having more than one seat, the outfit worn by Hard Ranger did not apparently surprise recovery personnel as they surveyed the scene and determine what happened to the man. Ranger Mackabee who led the recovery and subsequent investigation disclosed the cause of death was a Class III electric bicycle, the type often used by a local senior citizens gang who frequently terrorize park visitors with their machines. "Pretty clear what happened, they ran him down easily cause dressed like that, he couldn't run off the trail", said Mackabee, who pointed out several different tire tracks across the man's back in photos from the scene.

    Since the crime occurred on Federal land, the FBI has been called in to complete the investigation. Special Agent In-Charge Harlan Oakes explained the difficulty in finding the culprits of this particular gang, saying, "this is a notorious bunch, they hide in plain site at picnic tables and Bocce Ball courts, then they mount their E-bikes and ride at speeds exceeding 20 MPH on Park trails mowing down everything they come across and stealing lunches from the unwary". The FBI did not give a timeline for the investigation and did not comment if there was any thought the apparel worn by Hard Ranger was a triggering action.
    Last edited by Traveler; 11-23-2019 at 09:26.

  18. #18
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    Quote Originally Posted by Traveler View Post
    This just in....
    That's the spirit!

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