Thru hiking and leaving a loved one

[One Half]

For those of you who have a great relationship with your partner and have thru hiked (or attempted) a long trail of several months I have a question or maybe a few.

We have been married almost 29 years this spring and we are still in love and still best friends. We also live tiny in a converted school bus (nearly done!) for the last year and a half. My trail name is One Half (like my handle here) because I really feel like I am just 1/2 of something much larger.

2024 looks to be my year to thru hike. He's all for it. The initial plan was for him to "follow along" and be my trail support. There's a lot of logistics involved as we are both needed to move the skoolie and our truck at this point and he works full time M-F. Also, if we do this we need to make reservations far ahead so that we have a place for him to park. If he stays stationary he could mail me what I need (I make my own food due to dietary restrictions) and stay local to our son who recently got out of the Army. He could also possibly come visit a few times while I am out hiking.

On the one hand the logistics would be so much easier if he stays near where we are currently - close to our son and all the conveniences you don't always find along the AT. On the other hand I find it very hard to imagine not seeing him more than 3 or 4 times over the course of the hike.

If he is following along we will obviously be able to see each other more but I am worried that might make it harder to get back on trail as well.

He is completely supportive of whatever I want to do. But I do know that he would find it hard to be apart for so long, even if he could come meet me once per month.

I guess my basic question is, and I know other people may be different, but how did you handle being apart so much if the other half stayed behind and how difficult was it to get back on trail if you did see each other along the way? If you could do it and see your other half every couple of weeks or even every week in some cases, do you think that would have made you more or less likely to keep going?

Thanks for the input.

[ScottTrip]

You have the most difficult problem of leaving a spouse or significant other to Thru hike because you have their support and understanding. We I left on my 4.5 month journey of the AT my wife supported me because she knew it was something I wanted to do since my college days. But to make thing easier we did a couple of things. 1. She drove me to Springer Mountain, and we attend the kickoff, so it gave her an idea of what was going on and that I was not the only one hiking. 2. She had a copy of my AWOL guide so each evening I would send a text and let her know which shelter or MM I was staying. 3. When in a bigger town for resupply I would mail a card or photo to her just to let her know I was thinking of her. 4. And this was her, even though I did not plan any resupply packages she mailed a couple to me with snacks and a card. All these things really helped in my situation everyone is different but with some thought you both will enjoy an incredible journey that hiking long trails can be. Good Luck.

[JNI64]

Reckon you'll just have to drag em alongside with you.......

[Kittyslayer]

1. She drove me to Springer Mountain, and we attend the kickoff, so it gave her an idea of what was going on and that I was not the only one hiking. 2. She had a copy of my AWOL guide so each evening I would send a text and let her know which shelter or MM I was staying. 3. When in a bigger town for resupply I would mail a card or photo to her just to let her know I was thinking of her. 4. And this was her, even though I did not plan any resupply packages she mailed a couple to me with snacks and a card.

Great topic which has been bothering me for 2024. So far similar plans as ScottTrip but additional ideas are welcome.

1. Same plan.
2. Good idea. Planning on a wall map on the refrigerator so she can move my magnet along the trail.
3. We are older so cards and notes in the postal mail mean more than a text or email.
4. Will coordinate some resupply.

Also plan on her visiting me on the trail a few times. Need to work on a plan for the grandkids.

[Bati]

My spouse did the same with the drop-off, and that morning was the worst. I was with an old friend for the first couple of weeks, and it made the parting easier, as originally my husband was supposed to hike with me. Of course, driving through the night and starting to hike around likely didn't help either. The next time I saw him was when my friend left; that time I was headed out solo; I was very relieved to reach the shelter and have my new trail friends make space for me and at least half my pad inside the packed shelter and out of the cold drizzling rain that was trying to melt the snow. Later departures weren't as tough, and I was hiking closer so we met more often. On much of the Northern parts he joined me, and he also turned the tables on me and headed off to Springer on his own for a month or so a couple of years later. It's far better to do what you want when you can than to wait for the planned day to do something together and have that day never arrive.

Dealing with bills, mail, having someone drive the car occasionally and such were all much simpler with only one of us gone. One tough part was when I didn't get a food drop in Damascus (also had some dietary issues) and instead got a letter saying his father had died and he was writing the letter from the airport. (This was before cell phones for all of you wondering why he didn't just call to tell me.). I'll never forget sitting by the window at the Place, watching the snow fall, trying to call for hours and getting messages about 'all lines are busy'. It felt like forever before I got through long after midnight.

We were able to meet up every two or three weeks at the start, but we weren't able to talk much or email/text. On more recent (and shorter) trips, I tend to call him daily if I get a signal, partly for security as it gives a last-known-location should anything happen, and of course, just to talk, regardless of how short the battery might force the call to be.

As you know, marriage is about supporting your spouse and their dreams, not trying to live someone else's dream or giving up yours entirely. If you think it's too long to be apart, then plan to hike the trial in two sections and only be gone for 3 months each time. You might have a better trip that way as it would be easier to avoid the crowds.

And be prepared to support him when he runs off for a month or so to follow his dream!

[GoldenBear]

how did you handle being apart so much if the other half stayed behind and how difficult was it to get back on trail if you did see each other along the way?

In the academic year of 1994-1995, I was separated from my wife while she was overseas in Malta as a Fulbright Scholar. There was no internet on that island nation at the time -- and not much here in the U.S. -- so even e-mail was impossible. Phone calls were $1.50 per MINUTE. So we had to stay in touch via overseas mail, and at one stretch didn't speak a word to each other for seven months.

Was it hard for us?
We both missed the other HORRIBLY -- I felt physical pain at a festival, and later started having minor, paranoid hallucinations.
Was it hard between us?
I'm somewhat glad to say that finding out what life would be like without the other made us SO GRATEFUL that we did, indeed, have each other. It was a classic case of "What does not kill you, only makes you stronger."

It sounds like you have (1) a strong marriage and (2) the support of your husband. That's a necessary, and probably sufficient, combination for weathering the difficulties ahead.
So how will you two get through this separation? Plain & simple, you'll just get through. It WILL be hard. You WILL miss each other. Just maintain honest communication, before & during the walk, and I am confident you two will end up being just as grateful for being married as we were. After all, this summer we will have accomplished 28 years of marriage AFTER we were apart for many months.

[Birthright]

My advice: Don't take your spouse unless he is thru hiking with you. It is easier to just blend into the trail culture for six months than to part ways multiple times with the one you love. You will always feel that longing for home whether you are married or not married. It is something that you have to bite the bullet and just go with it or you will never finish. I suggest sending your spouse letters. Yes, the old-fashioned handwritten kind. Any soldier that has gone to war had to leave home. If you have a secure marriage, then you can do it.

[One Half]

My spouse did the same with the drop-off, and that morning was the worst. I was with an old friend for the first couple of weeks, and it made the parting easier, as originally my husband was supposed to hike with me. Of course, driving through the night and starting to hike around likely didn't help either. The next time I saw him was when my friend left; that time I was headed out solo; I was very relieved to reach the shelter and have my new trail friends make space for me and at least half my pad inside the packed shelter and out of the cold drizzling rain that was trying to melt the snow. Later departures weren't as tough, and I was hiking closer so we met more often. On much of the Northern parts he joined me, and he also turned the tables on me and headed off to Springer on his own for a month or so a couple of years later. It's far better to do what you want when you can than to wait for the planned day to do something together and have that day never arrive.

Dealing with bills, mail, having someone drive the car occasionally and such were all much simpler with only one of us gone. One tough part was when I didn't get a food drop in Damascus (also had some dietary issues) and instead got a letter saying his father had died and he was writing the letter from the airport. (This was before cell phones for all of you wondering why he didn't just call to tell me.). I'll never forget sitting by the window at the Place, watching the snow fall, trying to call for hours and getting messages about 'all lines are busy'. It felt like forever before I got through long after midnight.

We were able to meet up every two or three weeks at the start, but we weren't able to talk much or email/text. On more recent (and shorter) trips, I tend to call him daily if I get a signal, partly for security as it gives a last-known-location should anything happen, and of course, just to talk, regardless of how short the battery might force the call to be.

As you know, marriage is about supporting your spouse and their dreams, not trying to live someone else's dream or giving up yours entirely. If you think it's too long to be apart, then plan to hike the trial in two sections and only be gone for 3 months each time. You might have a better trip that way as it would be easier to avoid the crowds.

And be prepared to support him when he runs off for a month or so to follow his dream!

Thank you for sharing such a wonderful story of support. We have been together over 30 years, 29 married in May. I just really can't fathom seeing him "just a few times." I think we have decided he will be "following along" in our skoolie and meeting up as we are able. Of course cell phones make "contact" a little easier but sometimes it's worse. Makes me miss him more. I do also want to be "part of the crowd" in some respects.

[rdljr]

A whole other way to look at it is in the terms of a military deployment. Time frame is about the same (6 months) communication is spotty and never at the best time. But no one is shooting at you and you are doing something basically safe. If they love and support you, they understand and it builds the relationship. If they don't, well better to find out early than after a bunch more years. With todays means of communication you are never more than a few hours out of touch if you want to be in touch.
Just another free opinion, and worth about that much.
RDL

[garlic08]

Just as every couple handles family issues differently, you'll handle separation differently. My wife and I are both independent and adventurous, and have been going on our own trips since before we got married in 1983, an unbelievable 40 years ago. We've done many trips together as well, including a thru-hike of the PCT, crossing the US by bicycle, and shorter hiking and biking tours on four continents.

For various reasons, we each hiked the AT separately, several years apart. She went first, in 2002. I was her ground support, and I flew out to visit her three times, the last time to hike from Mt Washington to Katahdin with her, when she was ready to give up. When my turn finally came in 2007, she did much the same and shared my adventure with me. We've never been separated for more than six weeks or so.

We've both known other married hikers complain about spouses not being able to understand what hikers are experiencing, and the changes they're going through. When my wife would share a motel room with men on the AT, I was happy she was in good company with excellent new friends (her "trail family," some of whom we've hiked with again over the years). Her companions had to hide that from their non-hiking wives. How you guys will handle issues like that is hard to predict.

We also know a couple who've never spent a single night apart, ever, for over 30 years. One of them would love to hike the AT, but it simply isn't possible.

Good luck working out the many issues.

[One Half]

Just as every couple handles family issues differently, you'll handle separation differently. My wife and I are both independent and adventurous, and have been going on our own trips since before we got married in 1983, an unbelievable 40 years ago. We've done many trips together as well, including a thru-hike of the PCT, crossing the US by bicycle, and shorter hiking and biking tours on four continents.

For various reasons, we each hiked the AT separately, several years apart. She went first, in 2002. I was her ground support, and I flew out to visit her three times, the last time to hike from Mt Washington to Katahdin with her, when she was ready to give up. When my turn finally came in 2007, she did much the same and shared my adventure with me. We've never been separated for more than six weeks or so.

We've both known other married hikers complain about spouses not being able to understand what hikers are experiencing, and the changes they're going through. When my wife would share a motel room with men on the AT, I was happy she was in good company with excellent new friends (her "trail family," some of whom we've hiked with again over the years). Her companions had to hide that from their non-hiking wives. How you guys will handle issues like that is hard to predict.

We also know a couple who've never spent a single night apart, ever, for over 30 years. One of them would love to hike the AT, but it simply isn't possible.

Good luck working out the many issues.

See, we are newly weds only 28 years married. If you could do a long trail thru hike again, and your wife could support you, say from an RV, every week or two, would you rather do that and face the separations over and over again? Or would you rather just see her 3-4 times during the whole trail?
My husband is 100% supportive of whatever I think will help me the most. I know that I feel like saying goodbye many times over may be harder. Or not. I know when I go on trips of 8-10 days to visit friends and relatives that as soon as I land somewhere I start keeping track of how long it will be until I see him again. I DO enjoy those trips and they are few and far between so I do cherish them.
And some of my hesitation is that I usually do all the meal planning and shopping and cooking for us. Leaving him here where things are known to us would help me feel like that would be easier on him to take over. We eat a specific way so almost everything we buy is single ingredient.
He's not really jealous. I have usually had guy friends as close as some of my lady friends. He knows I am his forever. I have shared accommodations with male hikers in the past who I had only recently met. He had no problem with this.

[Recalc]

It was really difficult being away from my spouse when I first started hiking. When hiking, remember asking myself "what is my family doing now?" or "does she have any idea I'm getting hammered in the rain today?" That thought process made it tough to be successful on the trail. We both did better when both of us made home with our new situation. Just being happy you are on the AT makes for a better hike.

We shared 4 days on the trail together. It was a great reunion but she was thrilled to not hike another day Besides the usual occasional phone & texts, my journey was logged on a shared Google Sheets. The opening tab on the sheet told her in one glance where I was & how things were going.

[HankIV]

To the OP, just take one step back and realize how lucky you are to have this particular problem. Most don’t. Best of luck.

[garlic08]

See, we are newly weds only 28 years married. If you could do a long trail thru hike again, and your wife could support you, say from an RV, every week or two, would you rather do that and face the separations over and over again? Or would you rather just see her 3-4 times during the whole trail?...

Neither of us is a fan of vehicle-supported hiking. Rather than hike your own hike, you hike the team's hike. When (not if) there are vehicle problems, they become the hiker's problem too. A simple walk becomes full of complex logistics. Not to mention the cost and resources expended.

I'll echo the sentiment that you have comparatively little to worry about in the spouse department.

[Traveler]

Missing people can be greatly eased with contact of most any kind. Map tracking via text from cell phones or other source like Spot works very well, especially if there are children around.

However, text and email are rather impersonal, so what I have found to be very useful is sending a quick note home on a postcard, which I are available in most places I resupply. It is a nice surprise when it reaches him and because its written in your hand has the added value of letting the home folks know you miss them as much as they do you.

[One Half]

To the OP, just take one step back and realize how lucky you are to have this particular problem. Most don’t. Best of luck.

I do realize I am a lucky lady!
And it's not just me that would miss him! He would miss me terribly. Also, he kind of wants to follow up because when we get to NH and ME we have family and he wants to show off our skoolie as we have done most everything ourselves.

And to whoever mentioned vehicle issues - yes, I thought about that as well. And I usually handle getting vehicles taken care of because he works full time. We had an issue last summer with the bus and even though we had roadside assistance, the insurance would have tried to tow it to the nearest place to get it fixed which had at least a 5 WEEK WAIT. I had already done my research and was able to ask who they were calling and then I listed the next 3 they were likely to call and explained none of them worked on school buses. The lady asked me "well, do you know who will fix it?" Yes ma'am! 73 miles from here is the closest place I have found that works on this type. It was kind of a lie. We could have been towed 68 miles and been stuck outside DC and the repair place might have got to it in 4-5 days (and they only work M-F) or we could be towed 73 to nowhere MD and they said they could check it out as soon as it got there/same day. This was on a Monday. We were in MD that day and bus was repaired by Friday so we could leave on Saturday. Yeah, that's something to think about for sure.

[JNI64]

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, we all know he just wants to party down in the skoolie once you're gone,

[One Half]

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, we all know he just wants to party down in the skoolie once you're gone,

his idea of a party is sneaking some ice cream and drinking an extra bottle of wine on the weekend.

[JNI64]

his idea of a party is sneaking some ice cream and drinking an extra bottle of wine on the weekend.

That's what I'm talking about with you gone for 6 months he won't have to "sneak" ice cream and he will be drinking more wine because he misses you. When you get back he'll be 500 lbs and need AA!

[JNI64]

That's what I'm talking about with you gone for 6 months he won't have to "sneak" ice cream and he will be drinking more wine because he misses you. When you get back he'll be 500 lbs and need AA!

Apologies if I went to far just trying to make a or
I think it's awesome the love and respect you'll share!
Carry on folks help this lady out please!