Hiking Humor

[The Hog]

Two hikers were observing a grizzly bear from several hundred yards away, when the bear suddenly turned towards them and charged at high speed. One of the hikers quickly slipped off his boots, and was putting on his running shoes when the other said, "What are you doing? Bears can run 35 mph. There's no way you can outrun him!" The other hiker finished lacing up his shoes and replied, "I don't have to outrun the bear. I just have to outrun you!"

[Uncle Wayne]

I hate people that forward too many warnings as much as
anyone, but this one is important!

Send this warning to everyone you know, friends and enemies!

If someone comes to your front door saying they are
conducting a survey on deer ticks and asks you to take
your clothes off and dance around, do not do it!

IT IS A SCAM; they only want to see you naked!

I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now.

[sharkey92]

Wooly was well known on the trail for his signature camoflage jacket he wore while hiking, regardless of the temperature. That, and the regularity of his morning constitutions at the privy.

One morning while at the privy, his jacket, which he had removed, fell 15 feet down into the deep hole. Without hesitation, Wolly dove head first into the nasty pit, slogging thru the filth to retrieve his jacket.

Walking back to the shelter, his hiking buddies are amazed and disgusted. He is covered from head to toe. Nasty even for a thru hiker.

"Dude!" they cried, "no jacket in the WORLD is worth that!"

"You don't understand", replied Wolly. "There was a peanut butter sandwich in the pocket."



Sharkey GAME '92

[steve hiker]

Grosssssss.

[SargeAT]

I believe this revolting joke is a variation on some other one I can't recall, so here it goes.....


What do you call a thru-hiker with constipation?



A show off!!!!!!

[minnesotasmith]

From www.darwinawards.com



Dry Spell
1991 Darwin Award Nominee
Confirmed True by Darwin (26 July 1991) Patrick lived to rue the day he planned a record-breaking 20-mile hike across the Badwater Salt Flats, the hottest place on earth. He completed 19.5 miles of his hike before collapsing on the scorching ground, never to rise again. Found with his body were a video camera and an empty three-quart water pouch.

The China Lake Rescue team located Patrick’s parched body on his forty-first birthday, nearly two weeks after he set out on his desert hike. He was found only a half mile from his red Toyota truck, where gallons of fresh water waited on the seat. Patrick, a healthy 165-pound outdoorsman, had been dehydrated to 90 pounds by the blistering heat. What brought Patrick to such a sad state of desiccation?

Badwater routinely attracts extremists enticed by the lure of running a 150-mile course from Badwater to Mount Whitney, from the lowest point in North America to the highest point in the contiguous United States. Occasional brave souls attempt the one-way hike across Badwater to meet waiting friends and refill their water bottles. Only Patrick, our Darwin Award candidate, tried to make the trek alone with only three quarts of water.

According to District Ranger Mark Maciha, Badwater is consistently five to ten degrees hotter than nearby Furnace Creek, which registered a high of 134 degrees Fahrenheit in 1913. The summer sunshine heats the ground to almost 200 degrees, and the parched air approaches zero percent humidity. No rational explanation can be found for why this lifelong fitness fanatic failed to take sufficient water with him on his hike into this harsh climate. An estimated twelve quarts of water would have been required to survive the exertion of plodding through muddy salt.

Murder was ruled out by the autopsy, and suicide seems unlikely, as it was his third attempt to complete the trek. The most compelling theory is that he wanted to set the record for being the first man to make an unassisted round-trip hike across Badwater. A friend confides that he purposely kept rangers ignorant of his intentions because he knew they would watch over him.

And extra water is just so heavy!

Before his doomed hike, he boasted to several friends that he had calculated the exact amount of water he would need, and to save weight, he would take not a single drop more. In a lamentable miscalculation he carried only three quarts of water, which were simply insufficient to see him through to the other side.

Dr. Milton Jones theorized after the autopsy that Patrick may have sat down to rest with his truck within sight, but had lost so much body fluid that his heart was unable to pump the unnaturally viscous blood to his brain. He lapsed into unconsciousness and died. Patrick was a healthy outdoorsman with an extensive knowledge of the desert. His father recalled, "He spent money on only two things: electronic equipment and going to the desert." The video camera found by his body chronicles the first half of Patrick’s hike before the batteries died. It ended with his haunting observation, "The only problem is that we have to hike back... This is the real world. One false move, and you’re dead."

[Rain Man]

Here's a prayer that was taught to me this weekend by one of my hiking partners. I'll ask if I should give credit or not and post a name later if so.


Now I lay me down to sleep,
With chapped ass and smelly feet,
If I should die within this tent,
I pray my soul be heaven sent.


Should I add that we were discussing my chaffing problem at the time?!

Rain Man

.

[A-Train]

Babywipes are a beautiful thing Rain Man

[Puck]

A stranger was seated next to little Tommy on a plane, when the stranger turned to Tommy and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about politics? Should we keep Bush or elect Kerry?"

"Okay," said Little Tommy. "That could be an interesting topic, but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff! Yet, a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea." "Well then," said Little Tommy, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss who should run the country when you don't know crap?"

[minnesotasmith]

From www.darwinawards.com :



Shortcut Cut Short
2003 Personal Account (Summer 1990, Canada) Although this story does not qualify for a Darwin, I'd like to share the most spectacular case of extreme stupidity I've ever seen. I was a soldier of the Lord Strathcona's Horse, an armored regiment stationed in Calgary. We were hosting elements of the British Army at Canada's main training center in Wainwright, Alberta.

We took some of our new British friends to town, to party at the Wainwright Hotel bar. Around 1:00 AM, we decided to save cab money and walk back to the base. This was a trek of about three miles, because one must detour around a large, fenced pasture to reach the front gate.

That pasture holds some of the last Plains bison in Canada, a herd of about 40 animals. Bison are not the friendliest ruminants on the planet. Safety signs are posted every ten feet along the fence, and warnings read, "Unless you can cross this pasture in nine seconds, do not attempt it. The bison can do it in ten."

We reached the pasture and started to walk around it, but one of our drunken Brit companions decided that the warnings were fake. "Real, live buffalo don't exist!" Despite our protests, he opted for a shortcut. He hopped over the five-foot fence and disappeared into the dark field.

We watched and waited.

Seconds later, a high-pitched and very un-British profanity was heard from the pasture, and our friend came tearing back towards the fence at a speed that would have done credit to Donovan Bailey, the fastest man in the world. A fully mature and quite unhappy Plains bison thundered behind him.

The only reason the young gunner survived was sheer, fear-induced acceleration. He vaulted the five-foot fence without breaking stride. His rear foot caught on the top rail, sending him spinning into the grass on the safe side, half a second before two thousand pounds of extremely unfriendly hamburger smashed into the fence at full steam. The fence is constructed of extremely solid steel pipes, yet the two-foot dent made by the bison remains to this day. The animal staggered, snorted, shook his head, and rumbled off with a splitting headache. Our friend escaped with a broken ankle, moderate concussion, dislocated shoulder, and a great deal of bleeding from his uncontrolled landing. Had he not cleared the fence, he would have been pile-driven to smithereens by the huge bull. Fear had drained the alcohol from our systems, but we were still laughing too hard to be too sympathetic as we gave him first aid and summoned help.

[Patco]

How much does it cost a pirate to get his ears pierced?

No, not an arm and a peg.
A buck an ear. (bucaneer)

A lady put 2 muffins in the oven. One said, "Ouch! It's hot in here!" The other said, "Ahhh! A talking muffin!"

[hacksaw]

Ladies, bear with me, this was seen on a bumper sticker on a beat up ole Ford FWD pickup parked at a reeeeely rowdy fishing/hunting campsite on FS 58 near Three Forks Crossing down on Noontootla Creek


BEWARE THE CHAINSAW WOMAN! NNNaaaaaaaaaaaaaggg nag nag nag nag NNaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggg nag nag nag nag

Ladies, you might be amused to know that after my enforcement buddies busted up that little shindig pickup boy and a mess of his buddies ended up in the slammer with a string of federal charges as long as your arm! Lots of outstanding state paper got served too!

Hacksaw

[Basilio]

Impressed, though sounds bit unfair to me ...

[hacksaw]

Unfair?

PERHAPS HAD YOU BEEN PRESENT OR WAS PRIVY TO THE MORE HEINOUS ASPECTS OF THE SITUATION THAT I CHOSE TO OMIT.

You may be assured that you will find no mass graves, no massacreed women and children , not even handcuff marks on any one taken into custody. All are scheduled for fair trials under a uniform system of laws and due process that has worked well ove ther 200 plus history of American criminal justice.

Hacksaw