relationships before and after the trail?

[hellomolly]

In my curiosity (and boredom) I have been reading the trailjournals of people who have completed thruhikes in the past few years. A lot of people talk about the relationships they form on the trail, but fewer talk about the relationships they basically put on hold when they start the trail and then presumably come back to after finishing.

I'm curious as to how the various types of relationships thruhikers have before a hike (best friend, close friends, significant others, parents, etc) changed, or didn't, over the course of a hike and what may have contributed to any of those changes. One thruhiker wrote in their journal that all their friendships basically fell apart after coming back because they felt differently. Another wrote that he almost ended up breaking up with his wife over the course of the hike, though they ultimately stayed together. Others seem to report stronger relationships by the finish.

Anyone care to share what changed, if anything, in your various relationships from the start of your thruhike to the end, and why?

[Manwich]

Some people I met on the trail 2 years ago were apart of a hiking club. I joined up with it and I've got a good 20 friends that I see every few months out of it.

[HiKen2011]

As I contemplate a thru hike this spring I would also be interested to know!

[Blissful]

I don't think any my relationships suffered for it, save my son who decided after the trail he wanted to live the AT lifestyle no matter what. And left to do just that (though at least he is finally living in an apt with some guys and not his car)

About the only thing I felt when I got back is that I "owed" my hubby time together in something he liked. So we did theater together that fall. But he was my biggest cheerleader and still is. We just do our own things and help each other. But we have also been married 20 yrs.

[Lion King]

For me, a lot changed. Ive lost more then one girlfriend because of my love of hiking...you would figure I would stop dating 'Uptown Girls' by now...


People at home DONT Change, and that is the issue, because you most certainly will.

You may get home and find old friends dont get you at all, or that you really enjoy certain peoples company a lot less after your mind has had a chance to grow as it does on the trail.

I 'lost' a few friends when I got home because I realized...well...I wasnt anything like them anymore, but the friends you make on the trail are solid. Its amazing to me that I communicate with people Ive known through the trail for over ten years. and people I spent every waking hour with pre-hiking life, I dont even know if they are alive or dead.

if you go without your girl or boy, that relationship can die if it isnt already super strong and committed. 100%

[HiKen2011]

How about husband's and wives? I'm married with a nine year old at home. They do plan to visit me from time to time, however I am still concerned about the time away and how that may affect my relationship with.

[d.o.c]

i kinda felt really out of the loop so many thngs happend to ur freinds and their families when u get back u missed alot of stuff. i have also lost a few of freinds over the trail the stories are to long to write but it def shows u who is your real freinds when u leave for a good part of a year and return with smiles and hugs and nugs

[Lion King]

How about husband's and wives? I'm married with a nine year old at home. They do plan to visit me from time to time, however I am still concerned about the time away and how that may affect my relationship with.

if they love you and are behind this crazy idea, then you are fine.

it will test your resolve and your need to hike and when **** hits the fan on the trail and you are soaked for a month solid and the bugs are ripping the flesh from every exposed inch of your skin and the backs of your feet look like raw hamburger and you ache and you are so hungry and you cant stand the thought of another day away from your family...then the test will hit you.

You will think, "Wow, sure would be nice to wake up with my wife, sit at the table and have a talk with my kid over some coffee and dry clothes after a shave and a shower.

reality, all part of the myth.

[HiKen2011]

Good point, Thanks.

[Lone Wolf]

i could write a book on married folks that hit the trail and cheated on their spouse. some stayed married, some divorced and married the trail fling. happens a lot

[HiKen2011]

I would not consider cheating on my wife, but I'm sure alot of folks do. I f she is supporting me in this the least I could do is be faithful while I am away

[Mags]

I

I'm curious as to how the various types of relationships thruhikers have before a hike (best friend, close friends, significant others, parents, etc)

I missed my friends when I was gone quite a bit. I don't feel the relationship suffered as 4-5 mos in the 'real world' goes by a LOT quicker than in the trail world. I was barely gone from their perspective. (Esp on the CDT when I stopped in Boulder about halfway through).

More thoughts on the post-trail life here. More from a hiker's perspective, but some of it does deal with relationships (friends, family, and romantic ones).



Any longing was on my part. When two closes friends had their first child, I was in Yellowstone and wished I was there for it. (Almost 4 yrs later, he calls me Uncle Mags. When the second child was born this past year, I picked up my friend's Mom from the airport. We are that close). I think it would be even harder to leave now as my close friends ARE family to me. But, again, that would be on me as opposed to the people not on the trail.

FWIW, a friend I've known since Catholic school is still a very close friend. Even though I've hiked 3 multi-month trails and have moved 2000 miles away. Ditto another friend I've known since we worked in a hospital kitchen together 20 years ago. So the trails can change dynamics with friends...or if they are really close, the friendships can be strengthened.

I am also fortunate that I live in area where it is not unheard of to take off for weeks (if not months) at a time. Be it climbing, trekking, traveling, what-have-you. People understand.

An an aside, one buddy I met on the PCT is now one of my closest friends as well. He ended up moving to Boulder and I'll be the best man in his upcoming wedding. Our trail experiences cemented the friendship.



A romantic relationship may be different. I have yet to be away for an extended period of time when involved in a serious relationship. Can't really speak of that.

[Lion King]

Good point, Thanks.

youre welcome.

and not trying to push you off the idea, just throwing out what you will have to deal with on a constant basis.

People think its all roses and candy.


it aint.

[berkshirebirder]

I think a relationship that breaks because of a six-month separation probably would break eventually over any number of things.

Is it the "You'd rather do that than be with me" thing?

[Ox97GaMe]

Molly,
Being apart on the trail isnt much different than being apart for any other reason. You will hear all kinds of stories, both positive and negative about relationships on the trail. Each situation is unique because it involves different individuals. If you spend all your time worrying about whether your boyfriend will meet someone on the trial and not want to come back to you, then you are basically setting that into universe to perhaps become reality. Relationships are built on trust. You need to trust that he loves you enough to not want to be looking for anything else and that he is strong enough to avoid any temptations that may be presented. It would be no different if he were going off to college, into the military, or moving to another town for a new job.

Bottom line is that if you support his dreams (now and in the future) you are already ahead of the game when compared to someone new that might come into his life.

[Pony]

The last time I hit the trail, my girlfriend was pretty salty about it, but I realized it had nothing to do with me being gone. In her mind, she thought I wanted to be away from her, and that I was living the good life, getting drunk and chasing women.

A few months after I came back we did a weeklong section hike together. This helped her understanding immensly. Once she realized that most of the time you're tired, dirty, sore, hungry, etc. and not just boozing and chasing women, (at least I'm not, I know some people are) she became a lot more supportive. This time she's more interested and involved in my upcoming hike.

[hellomolly]

Interesting reading... thanks for the insight...

Ox97game, I appreciate what you wrote. I don't want it to come off like I don't trust my boyfriend. I do, and I absolutely support him hiking. I just know that this whole experience can be, according to some people, a pretty life-changing one and not being a real part of it, outside of the support and mail drops and phone calls and such, is stressful. I don't think he's going to go off with some random chick on the trail, lol. I was more thinking about the ways in which people change while on the trail and how that affects their relationships, either for better or worst, with the people who stayed behind and who presumably didn't "change" much... if that makes any sense!

[hellomolly]

I think a relationship that breaks because of a six-month separation probably would break eventually over any number of things.

Is it the "You'd rather do that than be with me" thing?

Very good point! I'm not sure if that last bit was directed specifically at me, but if it was, no, that's not the case. I have no qualms about him (my boyfriend) hiking - I'm proud of him for attempting such a difficult undertaking.

[Rocket Jones]

How about husband's and wives? I'm married with a nine year old at home. They do plan to visit me from time to time, however I am still concerned about the time away and how that may affect my relationship with.

Something that may surprise you is how independent and self-reliant your family becomes while you're away. It's not that they don't need you, but they learn to deal with things that you used to take care of. A lot of military members learn that, and a big part of the adjustment is learning where you fit into the new dynamic of the family. You can't expect them to behave as if you just went to the corner store for milk and everything is exactly as you left it.

[sbhikes]

I didn't make that many friends on the trail. I mostly said hello and goodbye really quickly, preferring my solitude.

I left my boyfriend at home. I'm lucky because we're both mature and don't have all that jealousy BS that younger people deal with. He was so supportive to send me things, help me when my tent broke, take care of the parrots all by himself (oh my what a HUGE imposition that was!)

I carried with me a picture of him and me on a backpacking trip we took together. When I felt lonely I would set the picture up in my tent and look at it. I would call him when I had a chance, but sometimes I wouldn't call him even if I did have reception because I really enjoyed my solitude. He was so nice and understanding about that.

When my hike was finished, he came to the end of the trail to meet me and try to hike the final days with me. But we missed each other somehow so I ended my hike all alone. He figured it out and everything worked out. We drove home together.

It was strange to come home. Such a long time away from TV and living in the forest really changes a person. He was very understanding about it, but I could tell some things were trying for him. He would have to prompt me from time-to-time to bathe. I'm sure that my desire to live forever the trail life was disconcerting to him, but he didn't pester me about getting a job right away.

I had originally thought that if I hiked the PCT maybe he would consider not working so darn hard all the time and take some time to have adventures and live his life more fully. I knew he would never quit his job and come with me, but I hoped that he would see what the trail did for me and want to do it himself someday and maybe it would change him like it changed me and we could take a new direction in life. So far he's thinking of taking 5 weeks off from his job to hike the trail. That's great news! All those times I thought to myself that I wished he could be her alone to share this with me will finally happen.

So anyway, relationships can be strengthened or weakened but it all depends on the quality of the relationship at the start. If you are lucky like I am, it will all work out.