My husband doesn't want me to Thru-hike

[JAK]

Haaa, just remember one rule: when you go up one side of a mountain, you must then go down the other side, then repeat 785.5 times and you've completed the AT!!!

Just have to ask... how do you figure you get half a mountain? (Since both terminii are atop mountains, those two halves count as a whole,... so where's the other half come in?)

RainMan

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To go up OR down counts as 0.5 .
You have to go up to start.
You are done before you have to go back down the other end.
So 785.5 is correct, assuming there are 786 mountains to cross.

As for this thread, "Hello, this is my first post; I've been lurking for a while..." has become the internet equivalent of "I never used to believe any of the stories in Penthouse Forum, until..." . Sketchy at best, though lots of fun to read sometimes.

[stranger]

DapperD...no one says that in Australia, and no one drinks Fosters...but sterotypes are certainly fun!

[kayak karl]

One provocotive post, much discussion, no followup from the op. We may have us a troll! Or maybe not.

maybe hiking the trail ain't ALL that important to her

[Rain Man]

Rain Man, I love the detail-my wife teaches college math, I think in another life, you two were soul mates!!!!

Well, if it helps,-- I used to be a tax auditor (State, not IRS) many years ago! LOL Though I appreciate JAK's rationalization for the .5, too.

Just having fun to "debate" something fluffy.

RainMan

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[hikingshoes]

Very well put there MS.Blissful,and we need more like you in this world!!!HS

The idea your husband wants to go too shows he is interested in the trail. And wants to be a part. I waited over 30 years for my dream. I got settled in my marriage. Raised my child. Waited and did dream. Waited on my hubby too, who did finally support my NOBO '07 hike with my son.

But now I want to go SOBO. My hubby was having issues big time about me going again this year. He did not want me to. And I realized I married him, not the trail. This is a partnership. I married for better or worse. I married in the belief of a covenant marriage and him as the head of the family (yeah I know some feminists will have issues with that). So I told him I would not do it. I would do Maine with him because he really wants to, hopefully NH too and then get off. I may do that anyway as I know how much he misses me when I am gone. But I know I cannot do this without his full support. I need him. He needs me. Its what marriage is all about. Its when two become one, not separate entities. Your dreams need to meld together to become one. And I believe if you are patient, it will happen.

But if one decides, well, marriage be damned, I'm doing the trail anyway, then the marriage was doomed from the start, and not because of some dream or the trail, but something a whole lot deeper.

[moondoggie]

My 2 cents...sounds like he's a control freak. Let him go to Austrailia, maybe he won't come back :-)

That said, you should live you dreams, life's too short, etc., etc. Why doesn't he want you to go? #1 after love (that's true love) in a marriage, is TRUST. On his defense, sounds like you don't want him to go to Austrailia either...again, TRUST.

I happen to have a loving wife who wants me to realize my dream, so I'm walking in 2011. And, of course, I feel a bit selfish, but it just makes me want to realize her dreams as well. Sounds mushy...but hey...it's love (thanks E-harmony!)

[Frosty]

One provocotive post, much discussion, no followup from the op. We may have us a troll! Or maybe not.

Probably just scared off. This is a great site for advice on where you might need a mail drop, not so good to get relationship advice here. People here think it is normal to go off by themselves for months at a time, but they either are not in a 'normal' relationship involving spouse, house payments and long-term repsonsibilites, and are noy qualified to give advice, or they have worked out a relationship with a spouse that works for the both of them, but is unique and has developed over a period of time and cannot be 'taught' in a 100-word post.

Only a couple of posts in this long thread are "Here is what I did in a similar situation," which can be useful. Most are of the "Here is what you need to do" instructions by folks who have never been confronted by the dilemma faced by the OP.

She is smart not to have returned, would be even smarter to talk about her personal and family needs with her husband with the aid of a marital counseler.

[Highpointbound]

My wife, or I, don't need each other's stamp of approval to do anything. We are free to do whatever we want--whenever we want to do it. However, we would not ever really want to INTENTIONALLY do something that would cause the other person to experience heartache, discomfort, or pain.

That is one of my big concerns with some of the things written by the original poster (and by some of the people writing responses)--it seems to be so self-centered. The focus seems to be all about making certain that Meadowlark's wants, needs and goals are fulfilled--and the heck with her husband, his wants, his needs, and his goals.

It is pretty difficult to have a successful long-term relationship if it is all about you--and the heck with the other person (if they happen to disagree with you).

YOU seem to be the self centered one, PRAIN. You seem to to be the type of guy who wants to control his woman, and have all the say in the house. And you seem to have found the perfect woman for that in your wife.

I say that because you said in an earlier post that you showed the OP's post to your wife, and she said it seems that the OP doesnt want to be with her husband. WHY?? Just because she wants to take 4 months out of their ENTIRE LIFETIME they have together to do a darn hike???

Im surprised at some of the comments here, seeing as this is a community of hikers, and thru hikers. Husband and wifes, boyfriends and girldfriends, do NOT need to do EVERYTHING with each other. Her hubby wants her to wait until HE can go..well..honestly..who really knows when that will be?? No matter what time he thinks he may be ready. By then SHE might not be able to go. It's HER burning desrie to go..not his. He can meet up with her in different locations if he wants. This is why these older guys should stick to their own age when marrying.

So many men want younger women, yet these women are more care free and ready to go moreso at the drop of a hat, and these men cry. Stop marrying women young enuff to be your darn daughters and maybe SOME of this stuff wont happen, because you both will be at the same "place' in your lives, and have the same type of commitments and time schedules.

Tomorrow is not promised to you. Better do things now while you have the opportunity until waiting and sitting around all bitter because you missed an opportunity. the folks who are saying consider HIS feelings..well the same goes for HER feelings. Or do they not matter??

Her hubby needs to grow up and get over it. I lost someone very important to me one time by being controlling and insisting that all his time needed to be with me, and things needed to be my way. Folks best learn to give their SO some breathing room, and encourage their dreams, not squash them out.

[Highpointbound]

I am curious by nature, So I have to ask,

How many of you handing out advice on this subject are currently married and for how long?

Divorced?

Never Been married?



As mentioned earlier marriage is about comprise. Rarely is everyone 100% happy.

Another thought, why in the world would you get married while your still in college?????? You have even lived yet?

Yes, taking off for 6 months is selfish.

Why is this selfish???? So, if she were SINGLE, it would be okay. But, once the ring goes on that finger she should just forget any hopes, dreams, loves, goals, hobbies, that she has and be a good puppy???

So, in effect then you are saying all married people should forget any and everything they ever wanted to do in their life once they get married???
Im not suggesting that its reasonable to be able to do everyhting you wanted, single or married. but, it seems the only holdup here is poor hubbys feelings. Not anything else, like money, kids, etc. FEELINGS.

So.. all married people who have thru hiked are selfish bast---ds?? WOW! It cant just be about the love and desire of wanting to be out in the woods to challenge themselves, and try to experience something they may only get ONE shot at before real life settles in? It's because they are just plan selfish? Wow again.

Look, I get that one has to be respectful of others wishes when you are in ANY type of relationships, but that goes both ways. Im having a REAL hard time with folks calling this woman selfish merely because she wants to do a thru hike, which you all seem to either love or be fairly interested in (since you are on this board).

All she wants to do is hike for 4-5 months, not leave and be a hooker in a foreign country for 2 years. Yes, she will be gone, but my gosh she is just hiking, and who knows if she would even make it the entire way?? How do military families handle seperations?

Even though I can't ever see myself doing a THRU hike (maybe sections) my boyfriend said he would think i was crazy, but he would support me because i have always been there for him and supported him when some others havent. Plus, he has done some hikes with me, and he KNOWS its not all fun and games.

I think her hubby is just being a big baby. His threatening to run off to Australia shows that he is trying to one up her, or some how have a war with her. So, his not wanting her to go without him is all just his petty ego.

[GGS2]

People are not perfect, except at being themselves. What is right for many of the responders may not be right for the OP or her husband. What I find is that partners in a marriage or otherwise tend to become expert at pushing eachother's buttons. What pushing a button means is that the pusher has found a sore point on you that just about forces you to respond in kind. Well, that response tells us where our work is, and that can be a very good thing. That sort of work is what eventually changes ordinary people into wise old people, if they accept the challenge to change and not to jump at every button push. But there are many ways to escape, including running (walking) away, and driving the other away. Or reacting strongly and building anger and poison. It can also fester inside, and eventually poison everything.

Prain4u was talking about this. Accept that the other is simply a person with their own work to do, and maybe your best companion in your work, even if it sometimes gets difficult, or seems that way to someone on the outside. It's not for everyone, this hang tough and work it out stuff, but that is the nature of marriage. Marriages tend to work better when both partners try to serve eachother more than they try to serve themselves. But, as they say, HYOH.

And all the best to the OP and her husband, whatever they decide or work out together.

[prain4u]

YOU seem to be the self centered one, PRAIN. You seem to to be the type of guy who wants to control his woman, and have all the say in the house. And you seem to have found the perfect woman for that in your wife.

I say that because you said in an earlier post that you showed the OP's post to your wife, and she said it seems that the OP doesnt want to be with her husband. WHY?? Just because she wants to take 4 months out of their ENTIRE LIFETIME they have together to do a darn hike???

Im surprised at some of the comments here, seeing as this is a community of hikers, and thru hikers. Husband and wifes, boyfriends and girldfriends, do NOT need to do EVERYTHING with each other. Her hubby wants her to wait until HE can go..well..honestly..who really knows when that will be?? No matter what time he thinks he may be ready. By then SHE might not be able to go. It's HER burning desrie to go..not his. He can meet up with her in different locations if he wants. This is why these older guys should stick to their own age when marrying.

So many men want younger women, yet these women are more care free and ready to go moreso at the drop of a hat, and these men cry. Stop marrying women young enuff to be your darn daughters and maybe SOME of this stuff wont happen, because you both will be at the same "place' in your lives, and have the same type of commitments and time schedules.

Tomorrow is not promised to you. Better do things now while you have the opportunity until waiting and sitting around all bitter because you missed an opportunity. the folks who are saying consider HIS feelings..well the same goes for HER feelings. Or do they not matter??

Her hubby needs to grow up and get over it. I lost someone very important to me one time by being controlling and insisting that all his time needed to be with me, and things needed to be my way. Folks best learn to give their SO some breathing room, and encourage their dreams, not squash them out.

Highpointbound:

1. My wife and I are in year 23 of our relationship and are starting year 21 of our marriage. It seems to work for us. Out of curiosity--how long have your relationships lasted?

2. My wife's comments--were merely her own "gut" feelings after reading the original post. My wife worked for many years as a marriage and family therapist. Thus, she has a little bit of experience to base her "hunch" upon. My wife didn't base her "hunch" upon the fact that the original poster wanted to be "gone for four months". It was based upon the general way that the original poster spoke of her husband and seemed to have very little desire to have her husband join her on the thru hike.

3. I definitely do not believe that couples need to do everything together--neither does my wife. Our own interests are VERY different, so we USUALLY take separate vacations and have done so for the past 17-18 years.

The problem is not that the original poster wants to pursue her dream--or that she would be apart from her husband. The problem is the fact that she and her husband would be apart for 4-7 consecutive months while she pursued the dream. STATISTICALLY SPEAKING--an extended period of absence significantly increases the chances that a marriage will end in divorce.

4. You seem to value autonomy and pursing one's own dreams --over modifying or adjusting one's dreams to incorporate the needs and dreams of the significant people around them. I hope that approach works out well for you. However, for most people, pursuing such an approach is merely a recipe for a relationship disaster.

5. We need to remember, that the original poster is just now fulfilling one big dream (completing college). That is a costly and time consuming dream. She has already been taking considerable time away from the relationship in recent years in order to pursue her schooling. Therefore, I think it IS selfish for her to almost immediately "demand" more time away from the relationship in order to pursue a thru hike. If you do not take time to nurture a relationship--it stands a very good chance of withering and dying. Her hubby wants to take some time to get them settled in a new town, find a job, and start having an income. That does not seem to be unreasonable.

[Rain Man]

5. We need to remember, that the original poster is just now fulfilling one big dream (completing college). That is a costly and time consuming dream. She has already been taking considerable time away from the relationship in recent years in order to pursue her schooling. Therefore, I think it IS selfish for her to almost immediately "demand" more time away from the relationship in order to pursue a thru hike. If you do not take time to nurture a relationship--it stands a very good chance of withering and dying.

Is this the same judgment you pass on anyone choosing to serve in the military? Or, anyone with a career? Many men pursue careers that are far more "time consuming" and "selfish" than college ever is. Do you think military tours are "time consuming"? I suspect you respect and praise those men, rather than calling them selfish.

Maybe she should just put on a berqua and submit to her man and the double-standard? Is that attitude "nurturing"?

The arm-chair extremism in this thread, attempting to paint colorful mosaics too much in black and white, is disturbing. I suspect each of them is doing some "giving" and some "taking" and it's up to them to work out a balance. Our conclusory over-the-top analysis won't do it for them.

Of course, we are all guessing. But that's my guess.

Rain Man

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[Tin Man]

6 months passes quick... almost as fast as it takes to read all this drivel... if they truly love one another, no biggee, just hike

[prain4u]

Is this the same judgment you pass on anyone choosing to serve in the military? Or, anyone with a career? Many men pursue careers that are far more "time consuming" and "selfish" than college ever is. Do you think military tours are "time consuming"? I suspect you respect and praise those men, rather than calling them selfish.

Maybe she should just put on a berqua and submit to her man and the double-standard? Is that attitude "nurturing"?

. I suspect each of them is doing some "giving" and some "taking" and it's up to them to work out a balance. Our conclusory over-the-top analysis won't do it for them.

Of course, we are all guessing. But that's my guess.

Rain Man

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Rain Man,
1. Your logic and your argument take a pretty profound (and ridiculous) leap when you suggest that a husband asking (or demanding?) that his wife delay taking a thru hike is somehow on the road toward "put on a berqua and submit to her man and the double-standard".

2. You mention that, "The arm-chair extremism in this thread...is disturbing". Frankly, your "berqua" comment is one of the few examples of "arm-chair extremism" that I have seen on this thread. (This is rather surprising, as you are often one of the voices of logic and reason on WhiteBlaze).

3. The analogies that you give ("career" and the "military") are much different than "a thru hike". One of the biggest differences is that your two examples USUALLY provide a salary and benefits which can help the entire family. A thru hike rarely has any DIRECT benefit to the family members who remain back at home. If fact, a thru hike can often place considerable strain upon the family finances and upon the family members who remain at home.

4. I may surprise you here: I often DO call males "selfish" and "demanding" if they chose to pursue the military or certain "time consuming" dreams and careers. (NOTE: In military circles, I have taken much flack for questioning the decisions of Soldiers who VOLUNTEER for deployments to combat zones--when they already have a spouse or children. I especially challenge them if they have just returned from a prior deployment and they want to immediately leave again).

5. I do not believe that it is "wrong" for the original poster to want to pursue her goal. It is her apparent INFLEXIBILITY which raises all of the red flags. She IS part of a marriage--and she should probably take that relationship into consideration when planning her thru hike (if she expects that relationship to endure).

This couple is soon moving to a different State. Her hubby is starting a new job in that State. The husband has merely asked her to DELAY the thru hike until they are more settled and he can join her on the hike. Most people would consider his request to be extremely logical and reasonable. However, the original poster seems unwilling to delay the hike or be reasonable. She wants to begin the hike in March 2011 and nothing else will seem to satisfy her. So, yes, I think that she is probably being unreasonable and selfish. I would be equally critical of a male who was being similarly selfish and inflexible.

6. IF the original poster had said, "I want to go on a thru hike no later than March 2013--but my husband doesn't want me to go". THEN, I would have been critical of the husband--and not the wife. Having some flexibility in a start date would give the couple many options and ample time to get settled in the new State, build up some savings and to plan their lives and finances around the hike.

If the husband was opposed to that more reasonable proposal--then HE probably is the one with the problem (and he could be rightfully accused of perhaps wanting to haul out a berqua for the wife to wear).


There are only 9-10 months between now and March 2011. However, during that time, the OP wants to be in college classes until August. Then, she will graduate college in August. Following graduation, she plans to undertake a move from Ohio to Kansas and her husband will start a new job. (That probably brings us to sometime in September 2010).

Between September 2010 and March 2011, she plans on getting settled into a new home and her husband get settled into the new job--PLUS the OP wants to also prepare for a thru hike during that time.

To top things off, the OP has made no mention of her personally contributing to covering the cost of the couple's daily living expenses--or to covering the cost of her own thru hike--by getting a job herself. Thus, between September 2010 and March 2011, she needs to also squeeze in some time for a new job for herself (or expect the husband to totally finance everything--including the hike).

And, some people on WhiteBlaze consider the HUSBAND to be the unreasonable, controlling, selfish and manipulative one?

[sbhikes]

Why her post seemed selfish is because it was just shy of "if I don't get to hike I'm going to kill myself."

The reason why the husband seemed selfish was because his response sounded like "if you go on the hike I'm going to go to Australia."

Basically both of them are behaving badly and having a power struggle. I think that is all anybody's really objecting to, not so much the idea of pursuing dreams or hiking the trail.

[prain4u]

Why her post seemed selfish is because it was just shy of "if I don't get to hike I'm going to kill myself."

The reason why the husband seemed selfish was because his response sounded like "if you go on the hike I'm going to go to Australia."

Basically both of them are behaving badly and having a power struggle. I think that is all anybody's really objecting to, not so much the idea of pursuing dreams or hiking the trail.

I agree 100%. Thanks for saying it so clearly.