Big Dilemma

[writeronthestorm]

I announced on Facebook last week that I would be through-hiking the AT and all of the sudden this guy who my brother was friends with as a kid has invited himself to go with me. He is sending me messages giving me his thoughts on planning issues and making suggestions on what "we" should do.

I finally got his number and gave him a call. I started trying to pick his brain to find out if he was experienced in backpacking and what kind of gear he had etc., and his replies were really vague like, "don't worry, I have gear, I know what i'm doing." He then tells me that his brother will join us in Virginia. He also informed me that his wife had recently left him for another man.

Anyways, I don't know what to do. I haven't seen the guy since I was a kid. I don't really know him, and I can think of about thousand reasons why I don't want to commit to hiking with him. A thousand things can go wrong, like we don't get along or he has a bunch of crazy gear and slows me down, or he doesn't have the money.. I don't know.

I don't own the trail, so I cant just tell him he cant go. I do want him to go and have a great time, but just not be attached to me. Somehow, without hurting his feelings, I have to tell him that I need to hike alone. Any thoughts?

[Downunda]

Easy, thank him for offering to accompany you on your hike then let him know that you are planning a solo hike. Wish him well with a "perhaps we might catch each other from time to time at shelters along the way"

You don't need to give excuses and if you have any problems with that I suggest you buy the Book "How to say no without feeling guilty".

[Toolshed]

Pretty easy to just say thanks but I am planning on hiking alone - I need this time to myself.

If you allow him to go, your plans will likely be hijacked. Anyone that says "don't worry, I have gear... I know what I am doing" for a 5-6 month hike will likely turn out to be a nuisance on the trail... until they quit

One thing to add, He is probably going through a lot right now with his life-changing situation (Which I beleives drive a fair amount of folks to do a thru), so you likely need todelive the message nicely, but firmly. there is nothing wrong with him going out to find himself on the trail. Just not with you now.

[writeronthestorm]

Doesn't have anything to do about feeling guilty. I just don't want to hurt the mans feelings. But you guys are right I just need to be up front with him.

[Luddite]

Tell him you want to go alone and he'll probably stay home. I had a friend try to do this to me and I told him straight up that I didn't want him to come. He ended up enrolling in college instead.

How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty: And Say Yes to More Time, and What Matters Most to You New from $3.90

[Sharkey]

Downunda and Toolshed are right. Just be honest and tell him you want to hike alone. Better off to do it now than to have him put more pressure on you over the next few months.

[tiptoe]

...and don't post your plans on Facebook in the future. Sometimes, it's good to live under the radar.

[Cookerhiker]

Say something like "Gee, I appreciate that. You know, I've been thinking for a long time about this AT hike and a while back, I decided I really want to hike it by myself. But maybe we could do the Wonderland Trail together sometime in a few years. It's just that I'd rather hike the AT alone"

[Cookerhiker]

...and don't post your plans on Facebook in the future. Sometimes, it's good to live under the radar.

And you can also jinx the hike! Tell everyone on FB, set up a trailjournals.com account with 30 "Preliminary" entries, then something comes up to torpedo the hike and you gotta go back and tell everyone it's off - no fun!

[writeronthestorm]

You guys are awesome thanks. The things is that I write a lot and I keep up a blog (that I link to facebook) where I am always updating people/readers on plans and adventures and stuff, so... Yeah, hey check it out if you want you might find some good reading.

http://writerinthewild.blogspot.com/

[Slo-go'en]

And you can also jinx the hike! Tell everyone on FB, set up a trailjournals.com account with 30 "Preliminary" entries, then something comes up to torpedo the hike and you gotta go back and tell everyone it's off - no fun!

Or look at how many trailjournals have the min 3 entries to get viewed and thats it. Usually started by people well in advance of the proposed year of the hike.

As for the long lost "friend" who invited himself along, I'd wouldn't worry about hurting his feelings. Just tell him your plans don't include other people as it makes things too complicated. If you posted the date your starting, move it up or back a week

[rainmaker]

You guys are awesome thanks. The things is that I write a lot and I keep up a blog (that I link to facebook) where I am always updating people/readers on plans and adventures and stuff, so... Yeah, hey check it out if you want you might find some good reading.

http://writerinthewild.blogspot.com/

Dude,
As to your original problem, just walk faster, or perhaps slower and "the problem" will resolve itself.

Now to this facebook thing, don't share every thing unless you want to continue having these problems. I think I remember reading several weeks ago about a young couple who were cleaned out by robbers after posting their vacation plans on FB. Of course they shared that on FB as well.

[SouthMark]

The guy's name is not Katz is it?

[Don H]

Leave a week earlier and don't tell anyone!

I'm thinking I won't be posting on FB since there is enough information on there to have someone figure out where I live. At least on TJ you go by a trail name. As long as you don't put you full real name and hometown. At least not until after your hike. Even then if you tick some people off during your hike....

[Praha4]

best advice is just start hiking, you will encounter lots of other hikers on the trail, within a couple weeks you will meet other hikers and see who you might be compatible with on a long term basis on the trail. One of the best things about an AT long distance hike is the independence and freedom you experience, hiking at your own pace, deciding where to stop each day.

[DapperD]

I announced on Facebook last week that I would be through-hiking the AT and all of the sudden this guy who my brother was friends with as a kid has invited himself to go with me. He is sending me messages giving me his thoughts on planning issues and making suggestions on what "we" should do.

I finally got his number and gave him a call. I started trying to pick his brain to find out if he was experienced in backpacking and what kind of gear he had etc., and his replies were really vague like, "don't worry, I have gear, I know what i'm doing." He then tells me that his brother will join us in Virginia. He also informed me that his wife had recently left him for another man.

Anyways, I don't know what to do. I haven't seen the guy since I was a kid. I don't really know him, and I can think of about thousand reasons why I don't want to commit to hiking with him. A thousand things can go wrong, like we don't get along or he has a bunch of crazy gear and slows me down, or he doesn't have the money.. I don't know.

I don't own the trail, so I cant just tell him he cant go. I do want him to go and have a great time, but just not be attached to me. Somehow, without hurting his feelings, I have to tell him that I need to hike alone. Any thoughts?

Just tell him to go take a hike. Seriousely, if this is a big dilemma, I don't know what someone getting sick or injured would be considered. Tell the imposer that you have made solo plans, end of story. If the guy attempted to join your hike with you without asking you if you would consider allowing him to accompany you and without doing it in a respectful way then nothing more needs to be said. And this assertiveness/response on your part can be applied as not just a hiking rule but a life-time rule to live by. Good Luck

[rainmaker]

The guy's name is not Katz is it?

I was thinking the same thing. BTW, love your signature line. My children used to be amazed at how much smarter they were than us, but now that they are in or close to their forties, they are almost as dumb as we are.

[BrianLe]

"And you can also jinx the hike!"

For another perspective, I've put my plans out ahead of time on postholer.com (similar to trailjournals) for past thru-hikers and for my next one on facebook as well, with multiple entries, etc. It sort of makes me more committed, and also allows folks that I know to sort of "participate" a bit in the process, insofar as they're interested in that.

I wouldn't do it if I hadn't thought out and felt pretty committed to the hike. I don't think it's any different than starting a journal on the trail and then being unable to finish; this can happen to anyone, it's IMO all part of the whole blogging experience.

W.r.t. the original issue, I'm with the majority here --- seems to me that the way to make it unemotional is to be very objective about it, i.e., that you have no hiking experience or much knowledge of this guy, and everyone suggests that it's better to start a thru-hike solo, find partners as you go along if you wish or stay solo if/when you wish. And that part of your prep work has been to try to learn lessons about this sort of thing in advance. I.e., it's not about him at all per se, just a bad dynamic that you think it's better to avoid with anyone.

[4eyedbuzzard]

Or just tell him to meet you at the Amicaloala Falls visitor center on April 1 - and leave a note sayng, "April fools! Hike from GA to ME, what are you, nuts?" Okay, pretty harsh, but effective.

[Dogwood]

....all of the sudden this guy who my brother was friends with as a kid has invited himself to go with me. He is sending me messages giving me his thoughts on planning issues and making suggestions on what "we" should do. writeronthestorm

People can self invite themselves to YOUR events but that DOES NOT mean YOU have to accept their inclusion in YOUR plans! Speak up! NOW! DO you want this person as a hiking partner or not?