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Thread: Beligerant son

  1. #41

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    Quote Originally Posted by jbwood5 View Post
    haaa, be careful what you say.... My 30 year old just had to move back home with us due to job loss. Sometimes you never lose them.
    I will always love and worry about my sons. My goal is that they will have the education, skills and work ethic to be independent self supporting citizens. The curious thing is that that the more independent they become, you feel both proud and also sad that they don't need you as much. If either one of them hits a bump in the road I will do everything I can to help them get back on the correct path.

  2. #42
    Registered User Nutbrown's Avatar
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    Did you want to do anything other than hang out with friends all summer and not mow the lawn when you were 16? Quit whining about your kid and let him become a man on his own terms. A forced march in the August heat is not the appropriate way to bond. Why don't you go on a hike and give him the responsibility of NOT burning down the house while you are gone. If it is still standing when you return, shake his hand and go unpack your stuff.

  3. #43
    So many trails... so little time. Many Walks's Avatar
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    Don't force him or he'll whine the entire trip about how terrible it is just to make his point that you are wrong and he is right. Tell him that you enjoy hiking/camping and if/when he wants to go you'd be thrilled to help him plan the trip so the two of you can enjoy it together. It has to be his decision or it's a disaster waiting to happen. He may be afraid he'll look stupid because he doesn't know anything about camping. If you know his friends and their parents really well you might want to make a group adventure with another family that could get him and his friend out together. If he chooses not to go, then take pics, include other families with teenage daughters, to show him afterward when you tell him what a great time you had. Good luck.
    That man is the richest whose pleasures are the cheapest. Henry David Thoreau

  4. #44

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    Placing people with interpersonal conflicts in stressful environments very well may exascerbate the conflicts. I think you hope it will heal and bring you 2 closer, make him more responsible, etc, but it could very well have the exact opposite impact, especially if you force him to do something he doesnt want.

    I would say, take him only if he WANTS to go. If he doesnt want to do it, it would be punishment the whole time, and both of you would be miserable.

    Unfortunately, kids arent like dogs. Before I had my first I thought they would be, train them from birth and they would do what you wanted, bend over backwards to please you, etc. Ha, boy was I wrong. I found that out when my daughter was 2, they have a mind of their own, and will live their own life, the way they want.

    Belligerence is hopefully just one way of saying he is growing up and wants some independence and control over his own life. He doesnt want to be told what to do and when to do it.

  5. #45

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    He's a kid. Tell him "we're going hiking from X day to X day so don't make any other plans. I know you may not want to go but that is the decision I have made, so lets make the most of it and try to have some fun." Once you get out there he'll probably have a blast.

  6. #46

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    I have to side with the"don't force him" crowd, for the reasons many have already listed. Of course I'm not a tough guy, even on line.

    FB

    Reasonably successful dad
    "It's fun to have fun, but you have to know how." ---Dr. Seuss

  7. #47
    International Man of Mystery BobTheBuilder's Avatar
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    Default Wow

    Quote Originally Posted by mister krabs View Post
    Bring him, don't ask him if he wants to go. "we're going hiking next week" is all the conversation should be.

    Don't share equipment, food or water. Give him everything he needs to be self reliant on the trail, then leave him do that without any discussion of it except "let me know if you need any help." Anything he ask your for, give it to him. Any help he requests, give without comment. Don't offer any unsolicited advice. If he whines, tell him to man up. Then tell him he made you proud when he does. Make him feel like a man. Give him a sip of your whiskey. If he wants to rest and you don't, tell him you'll meet him up the trail. Vice versa with "you go on ahead." If he doesn't want to gather wood, don't have a fire. If he wants a fire, let him know that you could take it or leave it, and that he can make it if he wants it. Tell him how nice his fire is. Bring a slingshot to have some healthy competition.

    Bottom line, treat him like a man, act disinterested in his failings and whining, praise him for acting like a man. Do everything you can not to nag and b!tch.
    Spend time with him now while you can, bring a xanax for yourself so that when he starts driving you bat$hit you don't go off on him. Again, spend time with him now while you can, you'll not regret it in the long term.
    That seems like the worst advice. Ever.

  8. #48
    Registered User aufgahoban's Avatar
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    Your son has spent his entire life getting to know you.. So he knows that if he goes hiking with you and irritates you that you'll be "tempted to take ALL the equipment and let him fend for himself." Who in their right mind would want to set themselves up for that? You would have to take all threats of that nature out of the equation before he'd even consider it. I mean really, what if he had the power and control to take all your equiptment if you irritate him? Would you go? Just my two cents. In this economy that's probably not worth 1/2 a penny.

  9. #49

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    What about a "Father/son" camp instead? like a Outward Bound course, ect.. where you learn to work together first, then take your 2 week hike next year. You can both shed some baggage before you try it on your own.

  10. #50

    Default How about a western trip?

    First of all, I sympathize with your dilemma. I realize there's no easy solution and that the relationship will not improve overnight.

    It's not totally clear to me how much your son would embrace an outdoorsy lifestyle but a summer backpack on the AT - while appealing to those of us including you who like to hike - can have lots of downsides e.g. excessive heat, tiring PUDS, less-than-scenic vistas due to summertime haze. So even if he goes - and it sounds reluctantly if at all - the trip could backfire.

    Instead of an AT backpack, how about base-camping (car camping) in one of our spectacular western National Parks? In particular, Rocky Mountain NP would be an outstanding locale; you can go on fabulous day hikes. He'd get to see elk, big horn sheep, snow on mountains and experience cool refreshing weather. It might even change his perspective seeing a part of the country more markedly different than the environment that he's accustomed to. Perhaps even bring along the backpacking gear and if he's captivated or at least impressed by the mountains, do a 1 or 2 nighter. I didn't look it up but Rocky Mountain is probably not much further from St. Louis than the AT.

    True, you're not getting what you want - cranking out miles on the AT - but it's not like your taking him to Disneyworld either; you're both spending time outdoors in a natural setting. It's worth consideration.

  11. #51
    trash, hiker the goat's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mister krabs View Post
    Bring him, don't ask him if he wants to go. "we're going hiking next week" is all the conversation should be.

    Don't share equipment, food or water. Give him everything he needs to be self reliant on the trail, then leave him do that without any discussion of it except "let me know if you need any help." Anything he ask your for, give it to him. Any help he requests, give without comment. Don't offer any unsolicited advice. If he whines, tell him to man up. Then tell him he made you proud when he does. Make him feel like a man. Give him a sip of your whiskey. If he wants to rest and you don't, tell him you'll meet him up the trail. Vice versa with "you go on ahead." If he doesn't want to gather wood, don't have a fire. If he wants a fire, let him know that you could take it or leave it, and that he can make it if he wants it. Tell him how nice his fire is. Bring a slingshot to have some healthy competition.

    Bottom line, treat him like a man, act disinterested in his failings and whining, praise him for acting like a man. Do everything you can not to nag and b!tch.
    Spend time with him now while you can, bring a xanax for yourself so that when he starts driving you bat$hit you don't go off on him. Again, spend time with him now while you can, you'll not regret it in the long term.
    you can't be serious. this may be the worst advice i've seen on WB in a long time.....
    "The spirit of resistance to government is so valuable on certain occasions, that I wish it always to be kept alive." -TJ

  12. #52
    Registered User mister krabs's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by the goat View Post
    you can't be serious. this may be the worst advice i've seen on WB in a long time.....
    Ya know, I don't get it. I've read it over and over.

    I advised the guy to spend time with him while he can, foster the kid's independence in his gear with everything he needs. Give him his space on the trail so as not to crowd, to do everything he can not to go off on him, to ignore the bad stuff and praise the good. It sounds to me like how most people would treat newbees they invite hiking. What gives?

    I guess someone could disagree with not giving him a choice in coming, have taken "leave him" literally rather than in the "allow him" sense I meant to convey, but other than that, I don't get what all the hubub is. I don't think I even intimated that he should get wasted, abandon or abuse him, though that's how WM took it.

    Anyway, I said it. It's worth what OP paid for it.

  13. #53
    Registered User ebandlam's Avatar
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    Default One more Opinion

    Don't force your son to go hiking with you if he doesn't want to. Someone already said this, he is not a mini-you. The fact that you like to hike has nothing to do with his likes and dislikes.

    The fact that you have taken a public forum to call your son belligerent and bad mouth him speaks more about you than about him. If you were in his shoes would you want your dad to speak ill of you in public?

    But if you want to bond with him:
    Do what he likes to do with you - make it meaningful to both of you.
    Does he like to watch a movie with you? Go to a concert?
    Go out to eat? Cook something together?
    Go for a walk? Swim? Run?
    Build something?


    • Has he heard you say that you love him and that you are proud of him (and mean it)? I am sure that he has done something that you are proud of.
    • Has he seen and understood the sacrifices that you make for him?

    I am a father of a 17 yr old, 14 yr old and 7 year old. I understand that raising kids is stressful. Heck, I did enough stupid things in my teen age years to give my parents ulcers, high blood pressure, premature gray hair and baldness. My parents would yell at me but never outside in presence of other people.

    So go talk to you son and do something he likes to do - before you ask him to do something you like..
    ___________________________
    Waiting for my time to hike...

  14. #54

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    There are no doubt exceptions, but most generally:

    Activities involving teenaged girls = happy teenaged boy

  15. #55
    Registered User soulrebel's Avatar
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    I'm a belligerent son. Tell him you'd like to spend some time with him doing something different and have a few ideas in mind, maybe he could help pick one.

    If he's cold-I might ask him if he wants to invite a couple of his friends. Likewise, find a friend to keep you company as well.

    Hiking is kinda boring for the most part...might look into demo day at a local trail with mountain bikes and/or car camping, fishing, paddling.

    GL.
    See ya when I get there.

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