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  1. #21
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    It takes courage to admit that you are struggling, Tree Nerd.
    I had a bout of post-partum depression after son 2 was born (4 sons in all).
    It was painful in so many ways, but I learned so much from the experience.
    #1. I learned compassion toward other people instead of judgement.
    #2. I am not invincible nor above struggling.
    #3. One cannot always just try harder or think positively and fix everything.
    #4. It is OK to let other people help you, humbling, but OK.
    I would hope to never go through that again, but I am glad for the new perspectives it gave me.
    You are on my prayer list, Tree Nerd.
    Adopt the pace of nature. Her secret is patience.

    -Ralph Waldo Emerson

  2. #22
    PCT, Sheltowee, Pinhoti, LT , BMT, AT, SHT, CDT, TRT 10-K's Avatar
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    Feelings come and feelings go. Try not to identify with your feelings and just let them flow..

  3. #23
    Registered User Old Hiker's Avatar
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    Hey, Tree-Nerd.

    Again - keep plugging. Lots of us have been there. Lots of us will be there again.

    Me: planned my AT attempt for 25 years+. Planned to do it when I retired from the military - nope, finances, etc. 12 years later: 500 miles in, slipped, twisted, sprained and cracked my ankle. Really, really depressed me. I'm looking again at 2016.

    In addition to the above, look into helping other people out if you can. Helping people IN NEED and not IN WANT will lift your spirits, I believe.

    Good luck - don't push it and damage it further - see you out there.
    Old Hiker
    AT Hike 2012 - 497 Miles of 2184
    AT Thru Hiker - 29 FEB - 03 OCT 2016 2189.1 miles
    Just because my teeth are showing, does NOT mean I'm smiling.
    Hányszor lennél inkább máshol?

  4. #24

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    Quote Originally Posted by wren again View Post
    It takes courage to admit that you are struggling, Tree Nerd.
    I had a bout of post-partum depression after son 2 was born (4 sons in all).
    It was painful in so many ways, but I learned so much from the experience.
    #1. I learned compassion toward other people instead of judgement.
    #2. I am not invincible nor above struggling.
    #3. One cannot always just try harder or think positively and fix everything.
    #4. It is OK to let other people help you, humbling, but OK.
    I would hope to never go through that again, but I am glad for the new perspectives it gave me.
    You are on my prayer list, Tree Nerd.
    pearls of wisdom...

  5. #25
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    You sound a bit like me, and if that is at all true, there will be times during your thru where you feel absolutely miserable. Certainly you should learn how to deal with these moments as best you can, but to a certain extent you will just have to keep your chin up and do the work even though you are lonely, bored, and hiking feels totally pointless. This is something I wasn't able to do. Something else I did that I think was a good idea: set a distance or time goal for yourself that you must meet at any cost (unless you hurt yourself). For example, absolutely do not let yourself quit in your first month on the trail. This gives you an intermediate goal to shoot for, and it is realistic to meet even if you decide you really don't like thru-hiking.

  6. #26
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    Don't give up! Hang in there! Lots of people have knee issues. WB member "mainebob" is on a thru right now and wears some kind of knee braces, you might ask him about that. He's also at: http://sassafrasandkabooseatadventure.blogspot.com/


    "Your comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there.
    "


  7. #27
    Registered User FatHead64's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by FarmerChef View Post
    +1 on the training hike being a success not a failure. It's often our "failures" that teach us the most about how to succeed.

    I'm no doctor but it sounds like you have a lot of stuff going on that is about to change in a significant way. That usually impacts us in a big way emotionally. Stephen Covey calls it "Sharpening the Saw." Others call it "burning the candle at both ends." If you don't take time to invest in yourself you can very well use yourself up. Give yourself the freedom to take some time for you. With regard to your upcoming hike, I agree with others that suggest you get back out there again. Keep it very, very easy and do it to just enjoy it. Fresh air and sunshine can do wonders for the body and mind.
    +2 on that - and not just for training hikes. All thru my education and career, it has always felt better when I nailed something right off. However, hindsight being what it is, I have always felt I learned so much more when I "fell short". I learn something about myself, I learn more about getting back in the saddle. That, IMHO, is a muscle that needs to be exercised. Be careful to have some balance in your life, too. You need some down time, not just being on the go all the time. And it's OK to be not happy about how everything is going in the moment - focus on the longer term. That is part of what the downtime can help with too. And being outside in fresh air and such has been shown to help a lot.

    Not the expert on the clinical side of depression - going to assume others are giving far better advice than I could, there. And you also have my prayers.

  8. #28

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    Quote Originally Posted by wren again View Post
    It takes courage to admit that you are struggling, Tree Nerd.
    I had a bout of post-partum depression after son 2 was born (4 sons in all).
    It was painful in so many ways, but I learned so much from the experience.
    #1. I learned compassion toward other people instead of judgement.
    #2. I am not invincible nor above struggling.
    #3. One cannot always just try harder or think positively and fix everything.
    #4. It is OK to let other people help you, humbling, but OK.
    I would hope to never go through that again, but I am glad for the new perspectives it gave me.
    You are on my prayer list, Tree Nerd.
    Best post EVER!!! +1 to #3...understood!

  9. #29
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    I think posting here is a great sign. You know you've got problems and not just with your knee. Your're doing the best thing you could be doing and that is reaching out to other people. Keep it up. You're not alone. What you're feeling now is normal for someone who wrecked their knee on a training hike. What would you tell someone else in this position? **** happens and of course you feel bad but you will get better. It will happen quicker with help.

    Congratualtions!

  10. #30
    Registered User Tree Nerd's Avatar
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    Thanks everyone, Its so nice and a major uplift to see complete strangers showing concern and giving advice/encouragement to someone you've never met. Many things that I have read on this thread for the past two days have given me some perspective and I feel good about the day, hopefully this will stay with me and I can get out of this funk. I will spend all day at work cutting honeysuckle so I will be outside and have some time to think about everything, or not think about everything.

    This really caught my eye and got me thinking.....
    Quote Originally Posted by Bronk View Post
    Sounds to me like you need to do your hike more than ever.
    Thanks again everyone
    Transcend the Bull$hit

  11. #31

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    Tree Nerd, as you can see in this thread, many of us are "walking wounded" and soldier on as we can. Try to take a long-term view, take care of the knee, and address your mental state. I personally find that walking, even for a short time, improves my mood. If you want to, you will get on the trail eventually. If your knee improves by June, consider starting your hike on an easier section of trail. Hope to see you out there.

  12. #32
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    Have you ever read Colin Fletcher's books? Before every major expedition he went into panic mode, typified by some medical condition that looked as if it would sink the trip before it started. Eventually he called this syndrome Fletcheritis.

    A big part of what you will get out of this expedition is the ability to push on through the kinds of problems you're having now.

    You can do it! Apply yourself to finishing up all your school responsibilities so they won't be chasing after you when you leave. Then focus on the hike. You WILL have people to share it with. They will be out there. Meeting them will be some of the best serendipity of your life.

    Best wishes.
    If not NOW, then WHEN?

    ME>GA 2006
    http://www.trailjournals.com/entry.cfm?trailname=3277

    Instagram hiking photos: five.leafed.clover

  13. #33

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    Quote Originally Posted by Tree Nerd View Post
    Thanks everyone, Its so nice and a major uplift to see complete strangers showing concern and giving advice/encouragement to someone you've never met. Many things that I have read on this thread for the past two days have given me some perspective and I feel good about the day, hopefully this will stay with me and I can get out of this funk. I will spend all day at work cutting honeysuckle so I will be outside and have some time to think about everything, or not think about everything.

    This really caught my eye and got me thinking.....


    Thanks again everyone
    Yes Indeed ,Tree Nerd.. Hiking the trail will help lift you out of the funk, for sure. Excellent advice.

  14. #34
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    There are many here who have already posted who have much more life experience, trail time, knowledge and better words of advice than I do. So, I will just add that you are 22 and just about to finish college. I remember being there. It's a crossroad. A lot of what you are feeling is because your life is changing and sometimes change is scary. It makes you completely normal to be bummed out about friends, your knee and life. Focus on the positive: you're graduating from college (something not everyone does), you found out before you started your thru hike that you have a knee problem (thus making you better prepared when you do start) and you recognize where you are with your emotions (speaks volumes about your intuition and maturity).

    So, metaphorically, compare your current situation to your future thru attempt. This is one of those places where you just want to quit. No pretty scenery, you're not having fun and your day sucks. Keep walking.

  15. #35
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ewok11 View Post
    There are many here who have already posted who have much more life experience, trail time, knowledge and better words of advice than I do. So, I will just add that you are 22 and just about to finish college. I remember being there. It's a crossroad. A lot of what you are feeling is because your life is changing and sometimes change is scary. It makes you completely normal to be bummed out about friends, your knee and life. Focus on the positive: you're graduating from college (something not everyone does), you found out before you started your thru hike that you have a knee problem (thus making you better prepared when you do start) and you recognize where you are with your emotions (speaks volumes about your intuition and maturity).

    So, metaphorically, compare your current situation to your future thru attempt. This is one of those places where you just want to quit. No pretty scenery, you're not having fun and your day sucks. Keep walking.
    Well said! Good words of wisdom, Ewok11.

    Life is best taken one day at a time and try to find something about each day to enjoy. I used to worry about tomorrow, but then I realized that today is the day I worried about yesterday, and it turned out just fine.

  16. #36
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    Dude - buck up - there are people out there who would gladly trade places, i.e. they are far worse off than you. This is the "tough love" advice coming on here. I don't advocate meds, unless there is risk of doing self harm.

    4 years ago, I started training for running the Marine Corps Marathon of which I had been lucky enough to get into (there is a lottery), well - it is just shy of 3 weeks before the locally run Richmond Marathon, well - I decided to be ballsy and do 2 marathons - back to back (having only ever ran one marathon previously) - 3 weeks apart. Training was going OK - nothing spectacular (I am not a super athlete).

    A month or so before the Marine Corps Marathon, I was laid off of my job - so there I was - Husband, father, provider - with nothing to provide. I was unemployed and there was no income coming into the house (wife stays home to take care of the kids) - I firmly categorized myself as a loser.

    I am at the start of where I am supposed to do my long training runs - the ones where you do the gut check - "am I gonna make it" - I could care less.

    Additionally, I had not purchased my entrance to the Richmond Marathon yet - I was waiting to ensure I made it thru the MCM injury free - but how could I justify buying my bib without any income - how could I justify even spending money for a hotel room in DC for the night before the MCM. all I could think about was quitting it all together - not running either race.

    All these things were going thru my mind daily - each one weighting me down further and further, when basically one morning a friend told me to stop being a wuss - suck it up - there are people who are worse off than you are - and would gladly trade places with me and to stop feeling sorry for myself and be a man. I had been selfish - only thinking of myself - and self pity, but never realizing I still had a wife and kids that loved me - a body that was mostly ready for what I was about to undertake, a house, clothes, and for now - food on the table.

    I got out and did my long runs after a couple week layoff - packed up and drove to DC the night before, but alone in the room - all night - my mind began to be stupid again, making me question the wisdom of wasting the money, I was still unemployed - approaching 6 weeks without a paycheck now, and I the next thing I know - it is almost 3AM, and my alarm is set for 5AM to make my way to the starting line (Metro ride into the city, etc).

    So at 5AM - I'm thinking I might as well pack up and go home - there is no way I am gonna run a marathon on 2 hours sleep - never gonna happen - and to top it off - my original goal was to beat my time from my first marathon 7 years previous - but seeing all those Marines, the Iwo Jima Memorial and considering all the crap they have to deal with, and often times on NO sleep - I decided that I was whining and worrying about things I had no control over.

    So with no family there to support me, (they stayed home to save money) I set off on at least finishing, and if I happened to set a personal record - all the better.

    I finished - shaving 16 minutes or so from my time from 7 years prior - I was happy - but a bit sad, because my quest to run 2 back to back was not going to happen, because I could not afford it any more.

    Fast forward 18 days, my wife had pleaded my story on Craigslist about my goal to do 2 marathons back to back and someone responded that they had injured themselves and would not be running, and would gladly offer up their bib.

    I managed to sleep a little better the night before as I was finally about to realize a dream - my worries melted away, but the next day, as I was steadily losing time and losing energy after completing just 13 miles - I was unable to stop from thinking about failure. I had completed half of the marathon at 3 minutes faster than I had reached the halfway mark at the MCM, but by the time I had reached the 20 mile mark - I was a minute slower, in less than 7 miles - I had lost 4 minutes. My wife was at the 20-mile mark (home town advantage) to offer me fresh socks (I forgot to mention it was a dreary rainy morning), and I told her I wasn't sure if I would finish, and I knew any hope of me finishing faster than I had 20 days prior was all but gone.

    It was now her turn to give me the "suck it up speech" and told me to stop my "whoa is me" mentality and get back out there and finish (mind you, I sat for minute or 2 to get my socks on and get my pep talk). I set back off with renewed vigor (and dry socks).

    I ended up running the last 6.2 miles 38 seconds per mile faster than I had run the first 20, and managed to shave almost 4 and a half minutes off my marathon 20 days earlier.

    So.....all that to say - your life could suck more, there are those out there worse off than you, so stop feeling sorry for yourself, man-up and get out there and kick the AT SOBO in the A**.

  17. #37
    Registered User Old Boots's Avatar
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    Part of what you are feeling is something I feel every year about this time post-winter early-spring blues. Let the coming sunshine heal your soul as well as your knee. I am starting sobo at the end of June. See you on the trail.

  18. #38
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    Quote Originally Posted by wren again View Post
    It takes courage to admit that you are struggling, Tree Nerd.
    I had a bout of post-partum depression after son 2 was born (4 sons in all).
    It was painful in so many ways, but I learned so much from the experience.
    #1. I learned compassion toward other people instead of judgement.
    #2. I am not invincible nor above struggling.
    #3. One cannot always just try harder or think positively and fix everything.
    #4. It is OK to let other people help you, humbling, but OK.
    I would hope to never go through that again, but I am glad for the new perspectives it gave me.
    You are on my prayer list, Tree Nerd.
    Read this again, especially #3. Those who are telling you to "just buck up" are fortunate enough to not understand your situation. See the counseling people at your school for a start. You will be okay.
    "It's fun to have fun, but you have to know how." ---Dr. Seuss

  19. #39
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    it can help to put things in your life in perspective. You are only 22, you have many, many years of hiking ahead of you if you enjoy this activity, it can become a lifelong habit. I only wish I could have done an AT hike at your age. At 22, I was just going active duty in US Army, spent the next 4 years in the uniform and 4 more years in the Reserves... then a wife and family came along, full time career, no time to think about hiking the AT. I wasn't able to hike the AT until retirement....30 years later. If I were you, I would first get the phsical injuries healed up, and use this year to do section hikes. This will improve your physical and metal conditioning for future long distance hikes. It's not the end of the world either if you never do an AT thru hike in one year. Be patient on getting over injuries, the trail will be there for you later, and it will be even more rewarding for you when it comes.

    On the depression stuff, you may or may not find the solution on the AT. Have you tried getting into a local hiking club, maybe an AT trail maintenance group? meet some other hikers in your area with common interests, that will help you I think.

    good luck!

  20. #40
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    @richmondhokie: I'm glad to hear that you managed to deal with a good deal of misfortune without going into clinical depression.

    Clinical depression is different. It's not self-pity. It's often not a reaction to life's stresses - or at least, a disproprtionate reaction to them. It's a chemical imbalance in the brain - and its chief effect is that the patient literally cannot 'buck up,' 'man up,' or 'snap out of it..' Talk therapy works - but takes a while. Meds are popular because they're faster, and some patients simply need them. (One family member of mine is on a quarter the usual dose of one - and absolutely needs that little bit.) Tough talk is truly misguided and often makes matters worse. Believe me, the depressed person has been trying to "suck it up" and "snap out of it," harder than you could possibly imagine.

    Tree Nerd - Since you've been under treatment before, you already know this, but you need a safety plan. If you find yourself suicidal, call Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK any time day or night. Feelings are temporary; suicide is permanent. We surely don't want to lose you.
    I always know where I am. I'm right here.

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