Feral Bill... WTG!! +1 on this post to Tree Nerd. Another Kevin... another good post!Originally Posted by Feral Bill
If you believe that you need professional counseling or medical treatment, then by all means seek it not just for the sake of your thruhike but your life in general.
It helps to recognize that even on short hikes - let alone long-distance backpacks - things will go wrong or not according to plan. That's not to dwell incessantly on the downsides but rather, try to put things in perspective: dispel any negativity that enters your mind by appreciating the many rewards you receive from partaking of nature's wonders and adapting to the simpler lifestyle of walking, observing, eating a simpler diet, sleeping in the woods, enjoying the views as rewards from the ascents, marveling in the biodiversity of the Eastern hardwood forest. Even if your hike "fails" like some of mine have, the experience was worthwhile - wouldn't trade it for anything.
Concerning the knee, did you you use trekking poles? And more importantly, how do you hike downhill. Do you slow the pace on steep & rocky stretches? And do you stride briskly down appealing-looking dirt paths like I've seen many young hikers do, putting undue stress on the knee? Even on an "easy" surface, you can't stride downhill as if it's flat.
Tree Nerd - I don't know if it makes a difference or not (especially since we will likely never meet) but I should have added earlier that in my late teens and early 20's I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder and prone to panic attacks. We all cope in different ways and there is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking the help of a trained professional. Sometimes, you just need to get it all out.
“Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.”
"The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain."
~~Khalil Gibran
Last edited by wren again; 03-24-2013 at 21:38.
Adopt the pace of nature. Her secret is patience.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
Thank everyone, you all have been a huge help! I was really nervous about posting on here about this and I figured I would regret it from what everyone would say, but I was wrong. I have been in this state many times before, but in my current situation the people I normally talk to about all this have moved on or i am very far from them. I do have a safety plan and I have people to talk to if it comes to that, but it wont. I have been to that point before in life and I know how to deal with my problems in a constructive way so it doesn't get to that point.
I had a good day today, worked outside all day and came home to my dog, whom I actually was excited to play with but once I got back inside I funked again. Back in high school, before I got treatment or was diagnosed with depression and anxiety I knew there was something wrong with me and the only thing to prevent me from being "sad" was to occupy my mind my tinkering with things, mainly my race quad. Its a lot harder to that down at school without my tools, a place to work, four wheeler, etc....I would love to work on something right now, it makes me feel important and keeps my mind off being down, but it never solved the problem, it just temporarily relieved it.
The good news is I am starting to feel better about things. Due to the new knee brace I'm in (at least I assume its the knee brace) my knee didn't bother me much at work; which is an improvement. I was really happy to play with Maggie and I wore her out (she is sleeping now lol). I am getting excited about the hike again, but I wish it would happen now so I wouldn't I have to deal with everything else that is going on.
Things will get better, I will have my good times and bad times, and the light switch will continue to flip until I get out of my funk.
Transcend the Bull$hit
Tree Nerd,
Don't give up! Most people in this forum I'm sure have been in a funk, myself included, very recently in fact. It helped me just to talk to someone about my insecurities about the future and it really helped. I also recommend spending time outside alone, the fresh air can do wonders for healing bad energy. I went camping last weekend even though it was only 5 degrees out. Just being out there in the cold by myself (and a nearby owl) helped relieve all the stress I had bottled up inside. I've been planning a thru-hike of the North Country Trail for the past 2 years. I'm now only days away from departing and the weeks leading up to departure are the most stressful. I also found out that the snow depth has not dropped at all and if it does melt quickly there will be severe flooding along my route. But I'm still going anyway because I'm not going to let those negative feelings grab ahold. Just gotta be strong. One phrase I think of every time I have doubts was from a documentary about the Pacific Crest Trail. It was a short phrase of advice that simply said, ... "Be unstoppable". Hope this helps bud, hang in there.
-Strider NCT 2013 www.stridernct.com
Tree nerd,Don't let the failed hike get the best of you!A lot of people don't do much training before starting their hike.You are young man!You have life all ahead of you.It must feel like july will never get here but it will!I've suffered with major depressive disorder and anxiety attacks for most of my life.I self medicated with alcohol-real bad move.Even after being diagnosed it took 4 years to get the right combination of meds to make me fairly right.Their is help out there!!There are people who care and support you.Like one of my friends often tell me.Hell man everyones on something!!~This time of year is particularly bad for people suffering depression,or so my doc tells me.Spring will be here soon.!!Find a good doc to talk to Maybe see about some meds.Most of all hang in there!!
First, the FHT can fool one into a false sense of how strenuous or easy it is. It's a mixed trail like the AT which is one of the reasons why I think it's a good fit for a shakedown hike in prep for a thru-hike of the AT or LT. It has relatively easy miles of hiking, like on level old logging roads and through bottomland in gorges and then hits stairs, ladders, and steeper climbs. Taking into consideration what I just said, what did you learn from your experiences on the FHT, NOT the negatives but the potential for advancement? That's where your mindset needs to be. IMHO, it's a crucial factor in completing a thru-hike.
Do you know how many times Abraham Lincoln failed in his personal and political career before ascending to the most powerful position in the U.S.? Read his biography. He used his failures as stepping stones as a path for advancement. How about Thomas Alva Edison? After a multitude of what some saw as failures in his quest to invent the light bulb, when told "you failed again Mr Edison", what was his mindset and reply? I didn't fail I merely succeeded at finding ways not to invent the light bulb. He went on to invent the light bulb. See how successful people think? You can do it too!
We all can have low pts. Champions and winners know this and have these low pts too but it's what they do about it that makes them champions and winners! They don't stay there! They get themselves over, through, around, or positively redefine it. You can too!
What assets can one have to get them through these periods? A never say die attitude, positive reenforcing friends, uplifting music, laughter, surrounding oneself with reminders of your one's accomplishments, friendship with an animal such as a dog, etc. I encourage you to explore the assets available to you to get you through low pts. Just by doing that, even without actually applying those assets, it's my suspicion you'll start on a new more empowering path by knowing you have your hands on the steering wheel and rudder of your ship with an eye on the compass. It's your ship. You are the Captain. It's the Captain's job to take the ship in what ever direction he wants the ship to go.
I got much more for you. Why? Because I too have to get through those low pts. and I've had more than my fair share. Rise above it. Soar. Your an Eagle just taking a rest deciding which direction to fly next. You haven't forgotten how to fly. Look at it like that.
Wow, strange how this all works......My brother is the entrepreneur of NSD designs, "Never Say Die Designs", and was my lead sponsor when racing quads. Funny how the meaning is impacting me now.....
Well the bad news is I had a horrible day yesterday, super depressed, and majorly feeling sorry for myself. I received a job as a full time permanent employee working as a private forestry consultant.....hard to turn down as a forestry student right out of college. Felt bad all day, contemplated taking the job and giving up on my dream of thru hiking and starting my other dream of settling and racing again.
The good news is I turned down the job and after talking to a friend (another aspiring AT thru hiker several years down the road) my spirits are back up about hiking the AT. I talked my brother too (owner of NSD designs) which is always a big help for me. I feel good about whats to come, I just need to tough it out until July.....I wish school was over so I could go to GA and start my thru now.
Thanks again everyone for your works of kindness and uplift.
Transcend the Bull$hit
The second you start your hike you'll know where you're supposed to be.
The trail really is an amazing place.
Good stuff from everyone!! Thanks for sharing Tree Nerd!
Be careful of buying into what labels others will try placing on you! And, be thoughtful what you believe about yourself. They can act like anchors that will weigh you down throughout your life. Folks with many yrs of education even having good intentions are sometimes, possibly often, wrong. IT IS YOUR LIFE! YOU determine how you see yourself!
I am no doctor or psychologist but heeding medical and mental diagnosis made through an internet forum is dubious at best, extremely destructive and potentially fatal at worst. Please please please carefully consider in depth alternative therapies and techniques to get you over low pts than quickly letting yourself be placed on prescription psychiatric pharmaceutical drugs WHICH IS WAY TOO DAMN COMMON among western trained health care professionals PARTICULARLY psychiatrists and psychologists! Besides, you sound like an accomplished engaged conscientious bright self aware young man not a brooding repressed ignorant individual isolating yourself in a dark corner.
I usually don't go around quoting bible verses but I would consider myself an ignorant fool if I wasn't able to admit the bible contains wisdom. Lots of places to find insight. Some might say this is foolishness in itself but here are two things the bible says that has modern scientific research to back it up.
1) (Malachi 4:2 NIV) But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness, will rise with healingin its wings(rays). And you will go out and leaplike calves released from the stall.
What I take from that - reverence for God will heal will energize will FREE me. The sun, as in S U N, has healing in its rays. Now, science is telling us just how important sunshine and Vitamin D, which are bodies make when exposed to the sun, is. Perhaps, there might be some real reasons why many folks living in California are so happy and why Seattle, which has about 300 overcast days per year, has one of the(the) highest rate(s) of suicide in the U.S.? You are already sensing this but you might want to know that there are some reasons why folks who are depressed sometimes close all the blinds seeking out dark isolated places. Might not be so good for people who are clinically depressed to be placed in locations that are not exposed to copious amounts of sunshine in isolated indoor places. Might be some reasons why those exposed to more natural sunshine non man made non enclosed environments can live happier more well adjusted fuller lives. Maybe we are being conditioned according to someone else's self fulfilling agenda rather than determining and fulfilling our own agenda. Maybe that type of natural living leads to having a greater knowledge of and respect for other non human species. Maybe, the Native American Indians knew something that has been lost/overlooked by the masses in the current U.S. who dwell inside cubicles at jobs, live inside boxes with little natural light, driving boxes not exposed to the wind, and basically isolating themselves from the natural outside environment. Maybe, that's why folks who spend more time outdoors, such as gardeners, statistically live longer lives.
2) “A happy heart is good medicine and a cheerful mind works healing, but a broken spirit dries up the bones.” – Proverbs 17:22 (Amplified Bible)
To me, that means humor and laughter can heal me. Laughter, uncontrolled riotous loud laughter, can be good. It brings healing. As I live with laughter and humor in my heart and mind and on my tongue, it will not only change me for the better, but it creates the environment that can bring healing to others as well. Why do you think people are naturally attracted to other people who have a great sense of humor? Think about that. When entering a comedy club in just a so so state and then leaving it after laughing your arse off don't you feel better? What does it mean to have a broken spirit? It's dwelling on the negative with a head hung low being a "downer." When behaving that way can't one also affect the behavior of others? You betcha. In a 180* direction, there's real evidence that indeed misery loves company. Depression and misery leads to being exposed to greater depression and misery. What else can you get from that? Surround yourself with laughter! with friends who laugh a lot, by watching funny movies, by going to comedy clubs, turning things around that seem negative and finding something positive about it, even if that positive thing seems insignificantly small or idiotic to everyone else. When Thomas Alva Edison replied as I noted in my previous post isn't that what he did? He redefined how he saw the situation from the negative way someone else saw the situation. He's known as one of the greatest inventors in all recorded history holding an enormous number of patents. When you are busy laughing it also creates fertile ground for being more appreciative living a life in gratitude rather than living a life by constantly complaining leading to all sorts of nasty things like anger, bitterness, resentment, greater negativity, etc, which are poison to the soul.
Now, science has told us when we laugh we release endorphins and dopamine that makes us feel good. When you feel good isn't that good medicine? Don't see too many happy happy people who are terminally ill, diseased, or depressed, do you? Perhaps, that's the real meaning of disease? Feeling ill at ease or dis - eased.
Here's another golden nugget. Physiology can and does affect one's emotional and mental states. Physiology is the way you control your physical body. Pertaining to depression, what physical traits would best describe someone who is depressed? Chin down(low), shoulders slumped, eyes narrowly focused downward, shallow short breaths, frowning, short aimless strides, mumbled speaking, negative thoughts/thinking, negative narrowed visualization, etc NOW, think of the most excited empowering feeling/experience you ever had. DO IT! Doesn't resemble the physiology of someone who is depressed, sick, or miserable does it? Ever win BIG at something? How would you describe your physiology? Perhaps, arms and clenched fists raised in the air ABOVE your head, deep full oxygenating breaths, shoulders UP and back, chin level or RAISED ABOVE the horizontal, long goal oriented strides, etc. Maybe you said something like YEAH! WAY TO GO! I DID IT! Perhaps your senses became much more acute. You seemed to be able to smell the roses more fully. You sensed the tactile feeling of the breeze and perspiration on your skin. Your skin felt electrified. Time slowed down. Then, possibly sped up. Your vision became more keen. HERE'S THE GOOD NEWS!!! Want to get yourself out of a depressed state? Damn Right Dogwood!!! *MIMIC the physiology of when you felt most empowered a winner a champion on top of the world like you just got that long anticipated Christmas present that's now sitting under the Christmas tree like you just found the cure for cancer and know all the good that entails like you've already attained the mountain summit before actually being there. When climbing mountains and I do that know what happens? It gives me the mindset, energy, and physical endurance to actually obtain the summit. I do this on all my hikes. I make myself INTENSELY feel, with each and every step, staying in the moment, what I know I will feel like at the completion of a long thru-hike OBTAINING MY LONG ANTICIPATED GOAL. Know what that does? It makes me feel and appreciate currently what is yet to actually occur! ((Time travel! Existence in multiple places! Consciously bringing about things, or into existence, before we are aware they physically exist? Hmmm? Different discussion though)) Let's get back to the primary topic at hand. Mimic that type of empowering uplifting positive reinforcing physiology - put a smile on your face, even if you have to force yourself to smile at first, let out a scream like you did when winning, laugh, inhale the scent of the roses deeply, and YOU WILL FEEL BETTER. YOU WILL no longer feel depressed! NO prescription pharmaceutical drugs needed! You have already been designed to create all the chemicals inside you that you need! You control how you will feel. You control your thoughts. You control your imagery. You control how you define things. YOU ARE THE CAPTAIN OF YOUR SHIP!
Here's a fresh reminder for you. You went on a shakedown hike. What that means is, at least to me, you are feeling things out, determining what's working and what isn't. And, not just pertaining to your gear but with many factors including your physical and mental conditioning. You did that! You are doing that! You are on the track practicing for the main event! Don't quit in the middle of that process. REMEMBER, it's not a one step process. Heal up the physical injury and continue the process. You may not be having the right perspective yet. You are SO F@#ING close and think you are failing. NO NO NO. You are succeeding. Keep at it. Don't grow weary. You are in training for the main event - thru hiking the AT!
Dogwood....GREAT STUFF! I love everything you said, its great advice and definitely taken in!
When I feel bad I try to get outside....when Im sad I try to find something that makes me laugh....both things that I started doing a long time ago, long before I was diagnosed with depression.
"Mimic that type of empowering uplifting positive reinforcing physiology".....I have never heard this form anyone, but its great advice! Right when I read this I immediately started thinking of racing/riding or playing lacrosse (both of which I have done for 8+ years) and how empowered I felt during these events and it made me want to go do them right now.....I need to find something competitive to join and start focusing on myself again.
Transcend the Bull$hit
Let me tell you again. I don't see a repressed dark under achieving know it all ignorant dumb arse low life anti social failure of an individual seeking to isolate himself so he can sink into a deeper funk. No No No. I see, coming through your posts, your words, your achievements, your actions a courageous humble not overly prideful bright young organized motivated willing to heed sound advice a bit emotionally distraught perhaps selling himself short perhaps spreading himself a little too thin young man who has recently allowed his self esteem to take a hit perhaps taking a wrong or incomplete perspective of events and is seeking encouragement and some guidance. IMHO, I find it hard to accept that a severely depressed individual could/would act this way and I really don't care what some "professional" diagnosed you with. I'm not saying in your particular case you should but don't be afraid to disagree with the "professionals." Lots of "professionals" can also be professionally wrong! I also find it hard to accept that a severely depressed individual could go to college, attain his college degree, hold down a job, be President of his college's Forestry Club, be on several planning committees, gain meaningful employment in his chosen field of study, plan for and go on a hike, have the courage to admit when things haven't gone exactly as desired, have the forethought to seek out assistance when not having all the answers to all life's challenges, race quads competitively in organized races, aspire to dreams/goals, plan for the attainment of those dreams/goals, and begin executing those plans. You are also juggling some(many?) of these things at the same time! IMHO, that's a mighty high functioning depressed individual who could do, organize, balance, and achieve all those things. Clinical depression and those traits/achievements together seem like an oxymoron. If all individuals were so sick, depressed, and dysfunctional as you've been led to believe you are and still do/achieve all these things it would be a better society. I'm not trying to blow smoke up your back side or just give you a little rah rah just go for it just go hike and all your troubles will suddenly disappear pep talk either! That's a realistic assessment of what I see in you and who you are. Maybe I'm wrong about some things with you but what I'm seeing isn't meshing with the psychiatric diagnosis and your OVER ALL behavior. Just not seeing it.
You are like someone who is having money issues and doesn't know he has $1,000,000 in the bank and is having an issue about not knowing where to sign his name on the check to access his money! Don't sell yourself short! Look at what it says at the end of your posts - "TRANSCEND the BULL$HIT" That's what you got to do. You already know some of what pushes your buttons positively. You already know some of what empowers you! - being outside in the sunshine, perhaps working in your field of study(like cutting down Honeysuckle OUTSIDE), playing with your dog, tinkering with your quad, talking with your brother, seeing the bigger picture, having meaningful dreams/goals, attaining goals, being physically and mentally active(not being a couch potato), etc. Find more of those empowering buttons to push. Seems like you are an eagle with the ability to fly high when you are settling for someone else's opinion that you are a snake only able to crawl around on your belly and that's where you should stay. Heal up the damaged wing and Go Soar. Fly high. Leave the ground to the snakes. Eagles soar to places snakes do not. Eagles also eat snakes.
Hey, it's a 15 round fight. You got knocked down in the second round, NOT knocked out. GET UP! It's a long fight. Just don't let your opponent slip that same punch again. Learn from being knocked down. Even champions get hit with a hard jab. Go on to win it. It's what champions do.
^^^^that definitely puts things in perspective.
Transcend the Bull$hit
I wanted to talk all of you that posted on here or messaged me! Your stories, words of wisdom, enlightenment, encouragement, etc. really helped me get out of the funk I was in.
Transcend the Bull$hit
Make it a way of life for yourself. YOU, apply to your life what others and myself have said. Transcend the BS. Hope to see you on the trail. Would like to talk to you about forestry and trees. All my Best DDubs.
Just get on the trail. It will work it's magic on you and you will be good to go. You will look back on this and say, "Man- what was I thinking".
We will never conquer a mountain. The mountain allows us to visit and with enough time asks us to kindly go back down. And then sits in peace with or without our presence. me.
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